Tag Archive for 'uterus'

This Ad Rocks.

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this ad, and it is SO AWESOME. Now, you might recall that I don’t have to worry about this stuff anymore, what with my lack of uterus and whatnot, but I still feel for my friends who have to suffer through it still. For the record, it never made me want to twirl or dance or touch soft things.

Best. Letter. EVER.

I got this in an email today, and thought it was hilarious. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a real letter or not – so no need to get all snope-ariffic on me, because the point is, someone wrote it, and it’s funny.

This is apparently an “actual letter” from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. This was said to be PC Magazine’s 2009 Editors’ Choice Award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.
_____________

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’
maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never
go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it
is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I
feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you
haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’

Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research
on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt
Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and
cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most
women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which
brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes
of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f—— kidding me? What I
mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick
S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you
have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in
your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed
with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say
something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or
‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . …

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Happily, my periods were never as bad as this woman describes. But even more happily, I DON’T HAVE A UTERUS ANYMORE.

Total Sweetness And TMI

If you’re one of those people who get annoyed when I provide you with too many details about my physical well- being, you’ll want to just skip this post.

Ok.  So for the 3 of you still reading, I have to tell you the cutest story!  But it starts with a little TMI.  Remember how I got my uterus taken out?  (You can read the entire uterine storyline right here.)  Well, if you’ll recall, I still have my ovaries.  And I’m one of those women who is keenly in tune with all things related to my reproductive cycle, which means I always know when I’m ovulating, because it HURTS.  And it STILL hurts, because I still have ovaries, even though I’m uterus-free.  And today will go down in history as one of the most painful ovulations ever.  I don’t know why – but it just hurts extra today.

Naturally, I’ve been texting Mr. Mock about this so that he can show me appropriate amounts of sympathy.  He’s always really good about that, texting back stuff like, “I’m sorry, sweetheart.  I hope your cramps get better” and nice stuff like that, even though I’m whiney and complainy and in general just a huge pain in the a$$.  I maintain that Mr. Mock should be held up as some sort of gold standard for husbands, and that he should develop a training class for husbands-to-be (or even current husbands) so that they can benefit from his exceptional husband skills.

ANYWAY, by now you’re probably like, “OMG just get to the point of the story already.”  Ok – so I told Mini-Mock that my tummy was hurting, and he offered to kiss it, which was adorable, but then he asked, “Should I rub it for you?”  And the way he looked at me, with those giant, round full-of-sweetness eyes totally made me MELT.  And so I said, “I would love that, Mini-Mock, you sweet sweet thing.”  And so while I have been typing THIS VERY POST, Mini has been sitting next to me, rubbing on my belly.

Seriously – does it get sweeter than that?

Update On Junior Mock And TMI

I don’t think I’ve told you guys that Junior Mock is having surgery again! This time, it’s not cutting any bone, which automatically means that it’s not quite as horrific, but it’s surgery and cutting nonetheless, which means it’ll suck.

On the 7th, he’ll be having his hamstrings cut (right behind his knees) and his hip adductors snipped as well. He’s unable to straighten his legs because of how impossibly tight those muscles are. This will be a permanent fix, so he’ll no longer have botox injections in his legs. During the surgery, they WILL put botox in his armpits and inner elbows, because those appear to be the new spots that his spasticity is really out of control. It’s become hard to get shirts on and off of him because of it, so hopefully this will provide some relief. For all of us. 🙂 Despite how serious all that sounds, he will only have to stay in the hospital overnight!

Here’s a pic of him taken on Christmas eve. Isn’t he like, the most handsome almost 13-year old you’ve ever seen?

And now, for the TMI part. On the 18th, I’m getting my uterus taken out!!! Recovery is going to suck – because even though it’s laparascopic there are three incisions involved. Listen how cool this is – they put a camera into the incision near my belly button, and then they slice a line on either side my pelvis near where my uterus is. And in one slice goes a vacuum thingy, and in the other slice goes like a microscopic machete – which goes in and cuts my uterus away from the ovaries and cervix, and then chops it up in a million pieces so that the vacuum thingy can suck it out. HOW COOL IS THAT???

Apparently, I have fibroids, and so my doc said I should just have the whole thing taken out. Which I am TOTALLY cool with, since it means I will never have periods ever ever ever again. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! 🙂

There is a guy I work with who is completely freaked out by any HINT of talk of female reproductive organs. I mean, he just wigs out. So you can imagine my glee at informing him about my upcoming surgery. Every time I see him, I try to think of ways I can talk about it. If he says something about the weather, for example, I say, “Yeah – it’s crappy out. Hopefully it won’t be crappy when I HAVE MY UTERUS REMOVED.” And he just shudders and runs away. I love this.

Anyway, it’s going to be a very surgical January. I shall keep you apprised of how it all turns out, since I know it’ll be ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT. 😉

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