Tag Archive for 'Lance Armstrong'

Guess Whose Testicle Works!


Yup!  Lance Armstrong has successfully impregnated someone; namely, his girlfriend Anna Hansen.  They are due in June.

I used to be a Lance fan. A Fance, if you will.  But not since he decided to come out of retirement. 


You Know Who I Used To Like A Lot But Now Am Starting To Hate?

Lance Armstrong.  And not just because he’s coming out of retirement, which, as I’ve already explained, makes him a total douche.  No.  It’s because he is starting to sound as arrogant as Kanye.

He was recently asked what sort of women he prefers dating, and you know what he said?  This:

I don’t discriminate – on anything. I like women who are hotter than doughnut grease.”

Now, maybe I’m being hypersensitive, but this statement makes him sound like a complete dillhole. Doughnut grease?  Really?  That was the best comparison he could come up with?  And saying he likes women hotter than doughnut grease directly counters his claim that he doesn’t discriminate. Clearly he does.  Clearly he prefers women with impossibly high body temperatures.

Someone should call him out on this.  I mean besides me.

You Know What I Hate?

I hate it when people make a big giant production out of the fact that they’re retiring, and therefore all sorts of accolades and extra press gets put out about them and all of the various contributions they’ve made to whatever activity they happened to be involved in, and then they turn around and decide that they don’t want to be retired after all, and then the press goes all crazy about how they’re coming out of retirement.  I hate this.  I hate it when singers do it, and I hated it when Michael Jordan did it, and when Brett Favre did it, and I am going on the record now as saying that I hate that Lance Armstrong is doing it.

You know what?  MAKE A DECISION AND STICK WITH IT.  I couldn’t care less if Lance can or does win another Tour de France.  HE IS SUPPOSED TO BE RETIRED.  We already know he can win it a whole bunch of times.  Just be retired already.


Sucks To Be Her.

Now, you know that generally I don’t like to post break-up rumors until they are absolutely beyond a shadow of a doubt proven to be 100% true, but all these reports that John Mayer dumped Jennifer Aniston prompted me to start thinking about how completely sucky her love life has been compared to Brad Pitt’s.  I mean, he totally upgraded – I think we can all agree on that, and basically he and Angelina are in the news like every second because they keep having babies who are talked about like they’re going to be the inevitable rulers of the planet someday, and they’re off saving the world and donating zillions of dollars to charities around the world, all the while being completely gorgeous and madly in love with each other, and meanwhile Jennifer is being dumped by the likes of Vince Vaughn and John Mayer and having her picture splattered all over the tabloids with headlines like, “SHe’s so jealous of Angelina!” and “She’s desperate for a baby!” and “She’s so needy!” and other equally humiliating captions.  And it just made me stop and contemplate how much it must suck to be her right now.

If the breakup rumor is true, dollar says she’s going to hook up with Lance Armstrong next.

Lance Has Finished Another Ride

Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson are apparently finished having their “relationship.”  You know what?  I’m glad.  I hated these two together. I’m not even exactly sure why.

You realize what’s going to happen next, right?  Lance Armstrong and Cameron Diaz.  She’s been passed around like the flu, plus she seems to meet his obviously narrow girlfriend criteria. 


I Do Not Approve

So Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson are the new Hollywood couple du jour.  And you guys, I have no idea why but I am totally irritated by this.  And I couldn’t care less about either of them, but something about seeing the two of them together enrages me.

But I’m telling you right now, if he manages to convince her to cut her kid’s hair, I will put aside my rage and give them the ole Mockarena Stamp Of Approval.  Which I’m sure is a huge priority for both of them.

Living Strong

Rumors are flying that Lance Armstrong is dating whichever of the creepy Olson twins this is.  If this is true, I’m never going to wear a yellow bracelet again.

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