Seriously – is Heidi Montag the stupidest female in this country right now? Can we investigate this?
According to this, now that her plastic surgeon is dead (for real! he died last week!) Heidi has decided to talk about how much she regrets making herself look like an alien. AND, she even wants to downgrade from her G sized boobies to double D’s, because she’s “desperate to go back to normal.” Isn’t that cute how she thinks she used to be normal?
It’s been nine months since she had all of her crazy work done, but she’s still in all sorts of pain – the kind of pain even painkillers can’t fix. She is “unable to hug her four dogs or wear anything but custom-made clothing.” And worse still, she can’t work out with those giant bazongas. “It’s heartbreaking. I can’t live an everyday life.”
It IS heartbreaking, isn’t it? I mean, isn’t your heart just BREAKING??
Heidi’s on the hunt for a South American surgeon now, because she feels “trapped in her own body” now that her original surgeon is all deceased and whatnot. “There’s just no fixing it,” she says. “Dr. Ryan knows the work he did, he knows everything.”
I feel bad laying this on you this evening, because I know how much sleep you’re going to lose worrying about Heidi Montag and trying to mend your breaking hearts.
I think I’ve made it patently clear how much I loathe Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt. Simply do a search on this site on either of their names, and you’ll find tons of previous entries about how positively nauseating they both are. I hated them before they were together, while they were together, and I hate them now that they’re apart. In fact, I can’t think of a better bi-partisan issue for Congress to focus on than figuring out a way to remove both of those clowns from this country forever. Mars isn’t far away enough.
ANYWAY, according to this, Heidi is super upset with Spencer because he has plans to write a tell-all book about her. Well, as super upset as someone can be when they no longer have the ability to use Actual Facial Expressions.
Here’s what I find hilarious about this. First of all, this assumes that Spencer Pratt can write, which is absurd. I doubt the guy can even spell the word “douchebag” despite how much of one he is. Secondly, there is nothing left to tell about Heidi Montag, considering that she reports basically everything she ever does EVER to the press. We’re talking about the most publicity-hungry couple in the history of the world here.
But just for old times’ sake, here’s my all-time favorite photo of Heidi, taken back in the day when she still had use of her face:
I know it’s wrong that looking at this photo gives me the glees. I mean, it’s evil to find glee in another person’s suffering. But I can’t help it, you guys. There are rumors that she and her psychotic beast of a husband, Spencer, are parting ways. And I justify my glee by simply pointing out that a relationship – as twisted and wack as theirs – coming to an end is good for the WORLD.
So feel free to have the glees, mockdockers. Consider it good karma for the world.
Heidi Montag has released two more “songs” which can be found on youtube. The titles are “Trash Me” and “Sex Ed.” And I have chosen NOT to post them, because I felt it would have been cruel and unusual punishment to subject you to them.
I will accept thanks in the form of donations to this site (see paypal donation button in the middle column a bit further down the page).
…but at least Bunny will be there to keep me company! She sent me this video this afternoon, with a note that said, “I know I shouldn’t laugh at this but I can’t help it” to which I replied, “OMG! Tourrette’s is Mr. Mock’s most favorite disease ever! I love this!” and then she said, “I know. Tourrette’s and Narcolepsy are the two handiest diseases to have ever.”
And this whole video is made only MORE hilarious because it’s Tourrette’s with a British accent. I’m sorry, but That. Is. FUNNY. Even though it’s a disease. It just IS. It’s like a built-in MEDICAL EXCUSE to say whatever you want whenever you want. In fact, if I ever run into Heidi Montag, I will blurt out a string of obscene insults at her and then just tell her I have Tourrette’s.
Or maybe I’ll just blurt out the insults. You really don’t need an excuse when you’re dealing with Heidi Montag.
P.S. I guarantee you that The Mock Dock is the only website you will come to that will discuss Tourrette’s Syndrome and Heidi Montag in the SAME POST.
According to this link that an alert and astute mockdocker sent me, Heidi Montag, plastic surgery queen and all-around moron, put nearly $2 million of her own money into making her new album, expected to make that back after just one week of sales, but the album has sold only ONE THOUSAND COPIES. This totally gives me the glees.
The name of the album is, appropriately, “Superficial.” And the fact that one thousand people actually bought it is a total miracle. Her husband probably picked up at least 750 of them, which means that there are 250 really really stupid people out there.
I can’t let this post go without more enlightenment from Heidi herself:
She almost died like Michael Jackson, you guys. (insert any number of jokes here)