An alert and astute mockdocker sent this to me, and honestly, I’m kind of glad that Heidi has this whole missing arm issue to contend with, because it distracts people from the fact that this is the most hideous outfit ever.
Heidi – once you find your arms, have them dress you in something less horrible.
According to this, Karl Lagerfeld recently said some super mean stuff about Heidi Klum and Seal. Specifically, he said, “Heidi Klum is no runway model. Heidi Klum is simply too heavy and has too big a bust. And she always grins so stupidly. That is not avant-garde – that is commercial. I don’t know her, Claudia Schiffer doesn’t know her. She was never in Paris, we don’t know her.” And, about Heidi’s husband Seal he said, “I am no dermatologist but I wouldn’t want his skin. Mine looks better than his. He is covered in craters.”
I’m just going to say it. Karl Lagerfeld is a bitch.
First of all, let’s just examine who is attacking who. Here’s Heidi Klum and Seal:
Aaaaaaand here’s Karl Lagerfeld:
You know why his collar is so high and ridiculous, right? It’s to hold up the weight of his ginormous ego head. There are only a small handful of men who can get away with being that teeny tiny and still be fabulous. Prince is one. Karl Lagerfeld is not.
Remember how I said that it was date night? And Mr. Mock and I were going to dinner and a movie? Well, I neglected to mention that we’re old, and that it’s a rare feat when we actually make the movie after dinner. Invariably, one or both of us decides that we’re far too full and too sleepy and too old to go to a late show. So here we are back at home, NOT being able to give you a review on Sunshine Cleaning – which is what I had hoped we’d see.
BUT, this means I’m comfy cozy in the family room, hanging out with Mr. Mock and watching TV and mocking. And honestly, this is just as good.
Now – about this picture of Heidi Klum. THIS is apparently what supermodels look like when they are FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT.
Excuse me while I puke up my entire dinner.
This is Heidi Klum doing some sort of photo shoot, in some of the most ridiculous shoes ever. See how she’s incapable of even standing in these shoes? If this is Victoria Beckham, she wouldn’t just be upright, she’d be running at warp speed, without breaking a sweat, and simultaneously looking FIERCE in these shoes.
Heidi – give Victoria a call and have her show you how it’s done.
This looks like a huge alien spider has glommed itself onto Heidi Klum’s abomindular area, and wrapped its legs around her. And that giant set of wings? It reminds me of that toy Lite Brite – you remember that?
Dumbest. Lingerie. Ever.
Well, maybe it’s not the creepiest. I mean, Heidi Montag went as a slutty cop, and I will probably have nightmares about that for a week. But this get-up on Heidi Klum is a straight up freak-fest.
This is Flavio Briatore, a bajillionaire and F1 team owner, who also happened to father a child with Heidi Klum and who once dated models Naomi Campbell and Adriana Volpe. Now, he’s married to model Elisabetta Gregoraci, pictured with him here.
I’m sure I speak for pretty much everyone when I say, “What the hell?” I mean, typically supermodels like the ones in his dating history do pretty well for themselves, so I don’t necessarily think his money is what’s attracting them. There’s got to be a wide assortment of hotter looking bajillionaires than this dude. Right?
So WHAT IS IT!? 10 points* to the person who suggests the best and/or funniest and/or most plausible explanation for how this guy is getting such hot women.
*Points are not redeemable for anything of value, except compliments and adulation and general flattery. Knock yourselves out.
At the risk of alienating alert and astute reader Melisa by ripping on her hero and personal savior, Heidi Klum, I need to just say that I find this dress to be personally offensive. Not because her asscrack is showing (although…..really, Heidi?). But because her back is lumpy and bony gross, and because you can see her clear bra strap. Yuck.
Heidi Klum, shown above without products, airbrushing, or her normal entourage of stylists, was on the Ellen show, where she ADMITTED ON NATIONAL TELEVISION to getting parenting help from Britney Spears.
She said, “We were talking about babies and diapers and she explained to me a lot of things about diapers I that didn’t know. You know these sticky things on the side? I never knew that they were there. To close them in the front, I was always putting string around. I had no idea. It’s very clever. I learned a lot of things.”
WTF? What did she think the sticky things were for? I know models aren’t generally known for their smarts, but really? How much of a moron do you have to be to admit that Britney knows something about parenting that you don’t?
UPDATE: Alert and astute mockdock reader Melisa has informed us that Heidi was joking, and has provided this link: http://jezebel.com/gossip/clips/heidi-klum-cracks-on-britney-spears-while-visiting-ellen-322354.php. After watching this clip, I would like to retract my statement that Heidi is a moron and an idiot for taking parenting tips from Britney Spears and instead say that she’s a moron and an idiot for dancing like such a jackass when she appears on stage.