Tag Archive for 'Christina Aguilera'

Inappropriate.

This is why I won’t let Mini-Mock watch Christina Aguilera videos.

Well, that and like skatey eight kabillion other reasons.

The Destruction Of The Anthem

I wrote about how badly Christina Aguilera botched the National Anthem at the superbowl on my other site the other day.  Did you guys HEAR that?  It was unbearable.  It wasn’t just that she messed up the lyrics, which was bad enough.  She tried to completely transform the SONG, into nothing but a showcase of her vocal range.  And it made the song utterly unrecognizable.

Which is why this totally gave me the glees:

I mean, whoever decided to pull together these photos of The Rock to make fun of Christina Aguilera clearly needs to be friends with me. LOVE.

Celebrity Break-Ups Are ALL The Rage Right Now

Apparently, Courteney Cox and David Arquette are splitsville, as are Christina Aguilera and her unfortunate looking husband, and Ben Harper is quitting Laura Dern.

You know what’s wack? David Arquette freaking spilled his guts on the Howard Stern show, of all places. Talking about how he’s already slept with someone else, and all sorts of other personal stuff that I CANNOT BELIEVE Courteney would be ok with him saying ON THE FREAKING RADIO.

You can listen to him being a complete idiot right here.

GAWD.

I LIKE THIS SONG

I’m not a huge Christina Aguilera fan, although I’ve always appreciated her AMAZING vocal ability. I just usually don’t like all her melisma. In fact, I don’t particularly care for melisma when ANYONE does it. But I genuinely like this song. I like it for background music when I’m writing or reading or doing something mellow. I wouldn’t like it to accompany, say, strenuous housework. Or mowing the lawn. (Cue Mr. Mock saying, “As if you do those things anyway.”) But to mellow out? I could deal with this.

Yes. I like it. So well done, Christina Aguilera.

More On Zuma Nesta Rock Rossdale

Here he is in all his preciousness.  LOOK at how gorgeous she is.  This is the perfect amount of make-up for her, really.  There is no reason for her to Christina Aguilerify herself.  In fact, there’s no reason for Christina Aguilera to Christina Aguilerify herself all the time either – because both of these women look better with waaaaay less make-up.

That kid, though, could use some mascara.

KIDDING.

Just some eyeliner.

Paris Hilton Wants To Be Christina Aguilera

Wow. Hi make-up!

You guys – have you ever seen anyone, outside of the Wicked Witch of the West, with a longer and pointier nose than Paris Hilton?

Christina Aguilera Is Very Natural

Did you guys ever see the episode of The Simpsons where Homer invents a make-up gun, and it basically just blasts a whole face of make-up right onto Marge?  That’s what this photo reminds me of.  I’m guessing Christina used such a device, and set it to “whore.”  She’s got so much foundation on that I think it’s conceivable that she weighs more because of it.

You Know What I Love?

I love that in the past 24 hours, I’ve received URGENT MESSAGES from mockdockers who have alerted me about two mockworthy photos.  I love that there are actually people out there who see a photo, like the one of Cristina Skankulera above, and think, “You know who needs to know about this IMMEDIATELY??  Mockarena.  That’s who.”  I LOVE THAT.  Now granted, it puts ALL SORTS OF PRESSURE on me to come up with something witty and creative, but it’s the kind of pressure that I like.  The kind where I say, “Oh yeah, Pressure?  You think you can get to me?  You wanna take this outside?”  And I go outside, and realize it’s far too humid out to have a fight with an invisible force, and I end up back here at my desk, writing snark about Skankulera’s breastular area.

Because LOOK at it, you guys.  Look at the veritable VALLEY that exists between her boobs.  I mean, there’s no question these were bolted on, but she can afford more realistic bolt-ons.  This is unacceptable.  And she’s a MOTHER for crying out loud.  Wouldn’t it behoove her to wear a dress she can actually sit down in?

Anyway.  I told you that there were TWO photos I’ve been presented with.  The one below is the 2nd.

Some completely adorable mockdocker saw this landbeast in her local Wal-mart and took it upon herself to take a photo.  FOR US.  She thought, “Oooo – this is JUST the kind of thing that those crazy mockdockers like to write about” and she whipped out her camera, took this photo, and sent it on to us.  This is the kind of dedication we are looking for out of our audience.  Step it up, people.

KIDDING!  You can just passively read – that’s fine too.  We’re just happy you like us.  You really really like us!!!

Christina Aguilera Would Like You To Know She Has A Small Waist

I guarantee you that she can’t sit down and still continue to breathe comfortably in this.  In fact, I don’t think she can breathe comfortably anyway.  She has been STUFFED into that dress.  And it’s making her stand weird too.

You know what the bottom half of that dress reminds me of?  Those long brushy thingies in an automatic car wash.

Vein Alert

Christina Aguilera’s head, Tori Spelling’s chest

It’s one thing for Christina Aguilera to have implants and be breastfeeding, the combination of which results in the most hideously engorged bazongas ever.  But does she need to have them on display like this?  Do they not make sweaters in anything other than V-neck in celebrity stores?

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