Tag Archive for 'Ashley Judd'

Ashley Judd Is Now Threatening People On Twitter

Oooooooooooo – I’ll bet Dario is relieved that his wife has got his back.

Wow.

Review Of Missing Episode Four: The Pain Continues.

I made it through another episode of Ashley Judd’s Missing.  And I have somehow, miraculously survived.

It starts with Ashley hanging with CIA dude, watching video of her husband’s car explosion on an iPad type thingy.  And he’s all, “It’s masochistic to watch your husband being killed over and over again” and she’s like, “I’m not watching my husband.  I’m watching my son.”  Because you can’t have an episode of Missing without Ashley saying the words “my son” at least 47 times.

Flash to Michael at the castle, making a sundial out of a piece of string and a nail.  No, that wasn’t a typo.  That’s what the script Actually Called For.  Oxana, the chick who’s conveniently also prisoner in the castle and also conveniently his age, is all, “How’d you get so smart?” and he’s like, “My dad” and so begin the flashbacks to life with Ashley’s husband/Michael’s father and the past blah blah blah.

The CIA dude starts recounting the logistics of the whole Ashley’s-husband-dying thing, and she’s all snotty to him and says, “Tell me something I don’t already know” and then they start talking about some dude named Martin, who apparently was Ashley’s mentor but come to find out she now thinks he’s a horrible dude.  And she recalls him hugging her after her husband Paul died, and telling her that actually, Paul was working for him when Ashley thought he was on vacation, and she’s all, “No way he would never do that” and Martin says, “Yuh huh he totally would” and she screams at him to get out of the house.

Fast forward to the present, where she’s watching the scene of Paul being killed on the ipad again for the zillionth time, and somehow, someway, THIS TIME when she watches it, she notices a dude handing Michael’s soccer ball to him, and LO AND BEHOLD even though this dude hasn’t been identified, Ashley zooms in on his arm and notices a huge burn mark! So 10 years later, even though not a single person has been able to notice this detail, INCLUDING HER, she does now, and within SECONDS, he’s identified and she’s hot on his trail.

Flash to Michael in the castle.  Have I mentioned to y’all that he has free roam of the castle?  Yeah.  He does.  So he decides to do a little castle exploring, and comes upon a creepy locked door. He can’t open it, obvs, so he heads outside where Oxana is all, “WTF are you doing?  These people are bad.  Watch your back.”  Cue ominous music.

Flash to BERLIN, where Ashley and CIA dude are walking through a park.  WTF.  OH!  It turns out they’ve gone to visit Martin, who’s living large as a spy novel author now.  They go in, and the WORST exchange of dialogue in the history of TV takes place, during which Martin says, “The truth is complicated” and Ashley is all, “What are you talking about” and Martin says, “Paul was a big fat traitor.”  Cue Ashley looking sort of anguished.  Or constipated.  Not entirely sure.  Then she paces and makes mean faces at Martin.

She doesn’t believe anything he’s telling her, and storms to the bathroom to reminisce about the day she told Paul she was pregnant.

This is the level of writing we’re dealing with.  It makes me feel bad for Sean Bean, who’s way better than the part he’s acting in.  And who clearly isn’t dead.  But we don’t know that yet.  Except we do, because it’s completely obvious.

ANYWAY, she comes back out and says she’s going after Burned Arm Dude.  And Martin is all, “You’re going after BAD?  He’s super bad.  I’m coming too, because Michael is my godson and I know all about Croatia.”

And then, as if they’ve ridden a magic carpet, they are immediately in Dubrovnik, making plans to bust into BAD’s house, which they find instantaneously.  And which is open, and already broken into.

Shots are fired, and they’re from the same blonde dude from episode three who shot HBC in the forehead. He gets away, but Ashley is all psyched to recognize him and takes it as a sign she’s getting closer to Michael.

Flash to Michael teasing tea dude at the castle, and tea dude clearly miffed about it but not doing anything.  Oxana is all, “Don’t test their limits.  You don’t want to know how far they’ll go.”  And Michael says, “Nah – I’m like totes important to them, so whatevs.”  She walks off, and we see Michael pull out a giant key ring FILLED with castle keys on it.  Oooooooo.

Flash to flashback of Paul asking Ashley to marry him now that she’s all knocked up.  He gives her a ring made of a flower from the table, and she looks like this:

They use the soft focus for the flashbacks.

Flash to the present.  Ashley is pacing in BAD’s house with Martin and the CIA dude.  Inexplicably she walks over to a random table, one of MILLIONS OF TABLES in the castle, and feels underneath it for what is apparently a super secret lever that opens the table and reveals gobs of weapons.  Coincidentally.

She then walks onto the balcony, where she sees a cruise ship about to dock, and decides that OF COURSE that’s where BAD must be heading.  So off they go, into a giant crowd of people, where OF COURSE Ashley spots BAD immediately, and of course he sees her spot him, and takes off running.  They meet up in another castle, have a big fat fight, and when he’s got her in a choke hold he says, “WHO ARE YOU ARE YOU CIA?” and she’s all, “I am NOT CIA I AM A MOTHER LOOKING FOR HER SON.”  Again.  And he says, “Get me amnesty and a new identity and I’ll tell you some stuff” but then he knocks her unconscious and takes off.

So far, that’s my favorite part.  The part where she gets knocked out is AWESOME.

Flash to CIA dude talking to political DC chick who is clearly his boss. She’s all, “We’re shutting this case down. Don’t screw up your chance for promotion.”  And he’s like, “Whizzuh whuzzah?”

Flash to Martin and Ashley in a room.  If you’re wondering how she got there after being unconscious and whatnot, welcome to the club of People with Actual Brains.  It’s like the writers forgot we existed or something, and thought we wouldn’t notice the fact that in one instance, she’s out cold, and in the VERY NEXT, she’s up and at ’em, with no explanation.  Anyway, she’s reminiscing about her wedding day to Paul, and remembering how reluctant she was to marry him and how she was a foster child and how terrified she was about being pregnant and being a sucky mom. And Martin was there to give her away.

Flash to present.  Ashley tells Martin there’s no way Paul could have kept his secret life all secret from the people he loved.  And Martin’s like, “Uh, hello.  You have, with Michael.”  And then CIA dude comes to tell them that political chick from DC has shut them down and Ashley storms out after demanding that CIA dude and Martin figure out a way to keep up their shenanigans.  Martin tells CIA dude that they’ll just have to break the rules, that’s all.  So CIA dude goes out on the balcony to tell Ashley that they’ll keep going, and she’s all grateful and whatnot.

Flash to Michael who, with his magic castle keyring, lets himself into that creepy locked door he found earlier. In the creepy room, there is a creepy cage, and Michael keeps trying all the keys but NONE OF THEM FIT.  And all of a sudden tea dude shows up looking for him. Oh No!  But Michael hides, and tea dude gives up.

He was probably getting thirsty for another spot of tea.

Michael heads back through the long hallways, and runs into tea dude, who takes the keys and closes Michael up in his bedroom again.

Meanwhile, Ashley’s getting wired up and ready to go meet BAD at some super creepy place where he has requested she show up alone.  But uh oh!  When she gets there she sees that BAD is dead on the ground, and calls in CIA dude and Martin in to check him out while she takes off running after another dude, who obviously is the one who killed BAD.

After a long drawn-out chase, they end up at a giant tower overlooking the sea. And when they reach a dead end, he turns around and OMG IT’S PAUL HE’S NOT DEAD OMG.  And she freaks, but he seems to care very little that she’s freaking, and he totally jumps into the sea.  And it is a LONG DROP.  CIA dude catches up to her and says, “Did you see who it was?” and she gasps, “It was my husband.”  And then does this:

Flash forward to, I don’t know, a half hour later.  Ashley’s now got her hands on Paul’s uber top secret file, and she’s catching up on the man she THOUGHT SHE KNEW BUT CLEARLY DIDN’T.  And Martin comes up and looks all sympathetically at her.  That just makes her do this:

Flash to Michael’s room.  Tea dude opens the door, and throws a totally beaten up Oxana into the room, and then Michael feels all bad because he realizes that it’s his fault for misbehaving earlier with the fancy keys. And he looks all pained and anguished and filled with regret over being the cause of Oxana getting her assular area kicked.

Flash to the DC political chick, in whose office Obama makes an appearance.

While it seems impossible, this chick makes Ashley look like the best actress on the planet.  THAT is how bad she is.

Anyway, she tells CIA dude that the case is back on now that Paul has re-emerged.  CIA dude goes to tell Ashley the good news, and then somehow his fancy iPad thingy has a new picture on it of Michael attending a soccer game a couple weeks prior, and LO AND BEHOLD there’s Paul a few rows behind him.  And CIA dude says to Ashley, “What does that mean?”  And she says, “It means there’s a good chance my husband has my son.”

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

Only six more episodes of this crap to go!

HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

According to this, Ashley Judd’s stupid show Missing keeps losing viewers and is in danger of not seeing a 2nd season, because apparently the initial viewers are coming to grips with the fact that Ashley’s character is the most bland and simultaneously over the top chick ever.  The sourcelink says, “After its second episode Missing slid to a level that indicated likely cancellation,  and in its third it fell another tenth. Enjoy it while you can, it’s not coming back.”

However, that hasn’t stopped people from gushing all over Ashley’s twitter page over the show, and clearly, Ashley is quite taken with herself as well.  BEHOLD: an earlier tweet.

In case there’s any confusion, Ashley is the one who said “epaisie” 5 is fantastic, and that she loves it.  The picture she’s currently using as her profile picture is of herself as a small child.  But if that wasn’t already arrogant enough for you, just check out the exchange she had with another gushing fan:

Wow.  Someone thinks an awful lot of someone, doesn’t someone?

I’m Behind, But Here’s My Review Of Missing Episode Three

Summary:  It’s a continuation of Supreme Suckage.

Episode four actually aired last night, so I know I’m late, but Vegas, you guys.  I was in Vegas and the last thing in the world I wanted to do was watch Ashley Judd do ANYTHING.

So yeah.  I’m behind.  Here’s the Episode Three recap:

Opening scene is with Ashley hanging out with her CIA buddy watching live footage of the plane Michael was on – sitting on the ground waiting for people to emerge from it.  And soon enough, some hot blonde chick comes out with some dude and says, “Nope – no Michael on this flight – just me and my friends” while Ashley watches her on a TV monitor and insists to everyone that NUH UH!! Michael was so totally on that flight!

Flash to Michael (who so far is like the least manly man ever, what with his screaming for his mommy and whatnot),  laying in bed in a fancy room dreaming of her and recalling his ordeal. He wakes up and looks around and walks outside the room, into a long hallway of what appears to be a giant castle.  He goes out to the back, where some dude with a machine gun is enjoying a spot of tea, and asks him why he’s being held.  Tea dude doesn’t answer, so Michael decides to venture out into the giant courtyard, at which point someone shoots at his foot.  But not the tea dude, who is still enjoying the spot of tea without even flinching from the commotion.

Some creepy dude in a limo is telephoned to be informed of the incident.  He tells the informant that if Michael tries running again, to hit him in the knee.

Oooooooooooooooo.

Gripping.

Meanwhile, back at the CIA, Ashley is watching the hot blond chick from the plane being interrogated (and clearly lying) on a video monitor.  Dude she used to sleep with who keeps popping up with perfect timing everywhere shows up and says he’s from INTERPOL and is coming to arrest Ashley and take her into his own custody.  Naturally he has a totally legitimate warrant.  They leave, and Ashley tells him she saw Michael on the plane, and he saw her, and that “he knows I’ll find him.” Obligatory mom-line which is supposed to make the audience remember that SHE IS NOT CIA SHE IS A MOTHER LOOKING FOR HER SON – Check!

Meanwhile, flash back to Michael sketching out his surroundings and writing his and Ashley’s secret code for “I love you” everywhere so that Ashley will be able to find him easily.  Some chick his age comes into the castle, and he watches her shoot some sort of drug right into her own stomach.  Then she offers him a bowl of soup, which he’s all nervous about but eats anyway, and he asks why she’s there and she won’t answer.

Flash to Italy. Ashley starts taking pictures of a yacht that just HAPPENS to belong to the Hot Blond Chick.  HBC comes out and tells her to cut it out.  Ashley tells her to quit playing games, and give Michael back.  HBC acts clueless, Ashley makes a really dumb veiled threat and walks away, and HBC goes on board ship to consult with the dude who was in the limo earlier, and asks if he can just go ahead and kill Ashley now, please.

YES, I scream to my computer monitor.  KILL HER CHARACTER OFF NOW.  END THIS SHOW SO I CAN GO ON WITH MY LIFE.

Flash to Ashley hopping on another boat where her ex-boyfriend is waiting.  He informs her that her BFF back home, Mary,  is freaking out and calling everyone looking for her.  She explains her BFF doesn’t know about her CIA past, and tells him she’ll take care of it.  She calls Mary, fakes like all is well, and Mary drops the bomb that SHE IS THERE IN ITALY RIGHT THIS MINUTE AND TOTALLY WANTS TO CATCH UP OMG.

Meanwhile, back at the CIA, dude has figured out he was fooled by ex-boyfriend, and now wants to go to Italy to join the action and reclaim his manhood.

Meanwhile, back at the dock, Mary finds Ashley and has brought Ashley’s favorite teddy bear with her.  YAY!  They go back to the hotel, where Mary proceeds to fill Ashley in on her personal marriage woes and cheating husband, and Ashley pretends that Michael is safe and sound and off just banging some Italian chick somewhere.  Crying ensues over the cheating husband, and then Mary has the brilliant idea that the two of them should just hang out in Europe on a big girl trip.  Cue ex-boyfriend walking in and Mary being dumbfounded by the stranger. He asks Ashley to talk privately, and informs her that he’s got tickets to some event at which the HBC and all kinds of bad people are going to be, and has bought her a blue dress to wear.  Handy!

Ashley plays like she’s just a huge beyotch (I know – total stretch!) and tells Mary to go home, knowing Mary will just think it’s because she wants to bang the ex-boyfriend.  Mary’s furious, and she leaves.

Flash to Michael at the castle, who is just about to hop off the balcony when the soup chick stops him and points out all of the dudes pointing guns at him from the trees.  Aww!  Soup chick is being nice to him!

Flash back to Ashley in the blue dress at the party, where she makes more veiled threats to HBC.  And then MARY FREAKING SHOWS UP to the party, and HBC realizes she’s got something to use against Ashley now.  Ex-boyfriend and Ashley are wired and communicating, so he informs Ashley what’s up.  Mary and Ashley reconnect, with HBC giving knowing looks to Ashley that loosely translated mean, “I will cut a b*tch.”  Mary tries to apologize all over the place to Ashley.  Ashley basically ignores her, so Mary tries dancing with the ex-boyfriend to get info.  Meanwhile, Ashley miraculously vanishes into thin air even though tons of creepy guys and HBC are supposed to be watching her every move.

It turns out that she’s made it onto the yacht, taking out a coupla dudes in the process. She sees a fancy case on the table, and whips out a set of fancy-case-opening-tools from a holster around her calf. I’m not even making that up. In the fancy case there’s a red bag, in which there are a bunch of diamonds.  Oooooooo.

Meanwhile, back in the hotel, Mary has discovered Ashley’s bag o’ Michael stuff, along with her gun and a bunch of passports with fake names.  Ominous music plays while Mary comes to grips with the fact that OMG SHE DOESN’T REALLY KNOW ASHLEY AT ALL.

Meanwhile, back on the boat, HBC has discovered that Ashley was there, and that she has taken the bag o’ diamonds and left a cell phone and flower in their place. The cell phone rings, and it’s naturally Ashley who, even though she’s far away at this point, knows the PRECISE MOMENT that HBC will open the case to discover the missing diamonds.  HBC answers, and Ashley tells her to meet her out in the middle of the sea in an hour.

She then goes back to the hotel to apologize to Mary, and the confrontation happens.  Ashley spills all the details, and then splits with her ex-boyfriend, leaving Mary in the care of some giant security dude.

CIA dude finds ex-boyfriend while Ashley is off to meet HBC.  CIA dude insists that ex-boyfriend and Ashley should trust him.  Meanwhile, Mary’s cabbie has arrived, but as she’s walking to the cab, the camera pans to the security dude, who is now dead on the ground and Mary is oblivious.  Cabbie takes Mary to the boat that HBC is in, and she says, “Hey Mary – let’s go see your friend” all sinister-like.

I’ll let you pause now, so you can take a break from the STUPIDITY THAT IS THIS SHOW.

Ok. Back to business.

HBC and Ashley’s boats meet, with ex-boyfriend stealthily off to the side in a different boat.  HBC shows Ashley that she’s got Mary, and then ALL OF A SUDDEN Mary knocks HBC over, and jumps overboard.  Ex-boyfriend rescues her in his boat while HBC and Ashley have a speedboat chase and enjoy some gun play.

Out of nowhere, some other bad dude drives up to the side of the shore riiiiiiiiiight where all the action is taking place, and he’s got a big mean gun that you’re supposed to think he wants to shoot Ashley with.  Ashley and HBC pull right up next to each other, and Ashley starts tossing a few diamonds into the water, prompting HBC to freak a little and admit that Michael is alive. And then she says that the dude who killed Ashley’s husband has Michael too.  As they’re having this chat, the other bad guy has his sights set on the back of Ashley’s head.  But WHOOPS!  He misses and shoots HBC square in the forehead. AND THEN OMG WE REALIZE THAT WAS ON PURPOSE.

Flash to soup chick stripping down and totally coming on to Michael.   Come to find out, she’s being held captive too and was instructed to hit on him, and he figures that out, probably because he’s a total weenie and/or totally not into girls anyway.

Flash to tearful goodbye between Ashley and Mary on the dock.  Mary tells Ashley that ex-boyfriend is like, TOTES still in love with her, which she knows from the 15 second dance they had earlier.  Ex-boyfriend shows up with CIA dude and tells Ashley to trust him, and that he has to skedaddle for now.  Cut to Ashley walking away with CIA dude.

The End.

This show is seriously so stupid that it hurts me to write about it.  But because I love y’all, and because I’m apparently masochistic, I shall continue to review the episodes.  Will try to get to episode four this weekend.

 

 

 

I Might Be Biased…

…but this looks like the most over-acted, over dramatic, over the top bunch of crap I’ve ever seen.

But what else would you expect with Ashley? This is her new tv series starting up in March. It’s called Missing, in case you want to make a note of what show you should ignore.

If you don’t feel like suffering through the video, here are a couple of my favorite moments:

You Know What I Hate?

Abercrombie and Fitch.

I freaking HATE THAT STORE.

And you know what I hate most about it? I’ve never been in one, and yet, I can’t even pass BY one without suffocating from the piles and piles of perfume they have circulating in there. How do people actually SHOP in that store without losing consciousness?

Besides, it’s a clothing store, I think, and yet any ad I’ve ever seen for them EVER is of naked teenagers. Which is another reason I hate them.

And you know what else? If you are over the age of, say, 35, you shouldn’t even be ALLOWED to buy anything for yourself in Abercrombie and Fitch, or Aeropostale, or any of those stupid related stores, because you look like a tool.

I’m sorry if I’ve offended any fans of those stores, but SERIOUSLY. I should be able to walk past them without needing a mask.

But you know the sure fire cure for my irritation with Abercrombie and Fitch? Horrible photos of Ashley Judd. And this one’s brand new!

Correct Me If I’m Wrong…

…but I believe what Ashley is trying to ask her followers is, “Did you have a nice Thanksgiving?”

Holy mother of psychobabble.

Ashley Judd Miiiight Have Overdosed On Self-Esteem.

BEHOLD:  An earlier tweet:

I’m sure all of those victims are THANKING THEIR LUCKY STARS that Ashley Judd is dedicating her yoga practice to them.  Because a celebrity millionaire’s yoga session is soooo helpful to them.

Some completely awesome person responded to her:

EXACTLY.

And in addition to Ashley believing that her downward dogs and planks are saving the world, she would also like you to know that she is ESPECIALLY beautiful today.  Not just her normal beautiful, mind you, but ESPECIALLY beautiful.

Look.  I’m a fan of self-esteem.  I happen to be my own biggest fan, as a matter of fact.  But this is just over the top.  A little humility would do Ashley some good.

Ashley Judd Likes To Fight On Film

Naturally, the reasons she likes to fight on camera are all inexplicably feminine justicey and gender violencey and completely ridiculous, but nevertheless, she likes to fight on camera. “To fight on film” she says, “is a symbolic expression for me personally of women everywhere being able to fight back.”

THAT is how important and significant she is to herself, you guys. Her fight scenes in her TV series for which she is being paid millions is the symbolic expression of women everywhere fighting against gender inequities. Because, you know, it’s important that you to learn to speak the language of violence, as only Ashley Judd’s fight scenes can teach you.

What a self-important blowhard.

Attention Townspeople: Ten Hours Per Night Is No Longer Enough.

Remember when I told you that Ashley Judd was struggling to manage her grueling MBA program at Harvard because she was, at the time, only getting 9 hours of sleep per night, when she requires 10 in order to function?

Well, I thought you should know that 10 hours per night is no longer adequate. She now requires 10 and a HALF.

It takes DISCIPLINE to sleep that much, she says.

Actually, I’d argue that it simply takes being a spoiled rotten multi-millionaire who can set your own schedule in your movie contracts and have an entire staff of people who serve all of your needs and hang on your every word.  It doesn’t take discipline – it takes the MEANS to be able to sleep almost half of every day away.

I can see where she’d get that confused with “discipline” though.

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