Seriously. It’s gross. So if you choose to read past this sentence, don’t act like you weren’t warned.
So a bit of background. Every night, right as I’m going to sleep, I put in those neon pink cushiony earplugs. I’m a super light sleeper, and they really help block out the normal noises that wake me up during the night – Mr. Mock snoring, or MockDog snoring, or wind, or whatever. I wake up at basically the slightest sound, so I’m doomed to a lifetime of earplug wearing. I’ve accepted this.
Ok. So now you have background.
Deep breath. Here goes the grossness.
At around 4am last night, I woke up to discover that one of my earplugs was IN MY MOUTH AND I WAS TOTALLY CHEWING IT LIKE GUM OMG.
I know. You’re totally hurling right now. That is precisely what I wanted to do when I was conscious enough to realize what in the holy hizzell I was doing. WHY WAS I DOING THAT?!!! I have no earthly clue. I must have been chewing gum in my dream or something, but since I rarely remember my dreams, I will never know. All I know is that I was chewing the CRAP out of that earplug, and as soon as I realized it, I wanted to drink an entire bottle of bleach. And probably should have, frankly.
Anyway, I hope y’all don’t think less of me for this. It was not intentional in the LEAST, so please don’t start forwarding this story to Strange Addictions or any of those crazy TLC shows where people eat sofa cushions and cremated ashes and stuff.
UGH.
I think this post warrants a hideous picture of Ashley Judd.
FUNNIEST STORY EVER!! I am literally CRYING with laughter. OMG……You are so entertaining!!
So funny! Sort of like those Harry Potter Bertie Botts Every Flavor Earwax flavored beans.
LOL!! I’m in STITCHES over here!! hahaha May I suggest that you go out and buy a fan to drown out the noise…I don’t think you could chew on that!! hahaha (Seriously though. I do have a fan going year-round in my room, just so I don’t hear every little noise!)
ugh, but VERY funny. the crap we do in our sleep…
…and the Ashley pic, PERFECT for such a story!
Be glad it was YOUR earplug and not someone else’s. Just sayin’… o.O
And Assley Dudd makes me gag. And not in that good, bile-yakking way.
I’m not suppose to be laughing!! Oh my sutures!! Baahahahahahahahahahhahahaaaa
You have definitely never posted THAT before!
Mock, those people are mean, haha, finding humor in, hahaha, your story that, hahahaha, you were so willing, hahahaha ha, to share leith us, hahahaha ha. Sorry.
I used to have a sweet but slightly squirrelly beagle that loved earplugs. I would go scoop the yard & find orange, blue or whatever the earplug color du jour was, in with the scoopage. Seems she like to swallow them whole. It must have been the taste of the earwax (gack) because she liked to eat Qtips too. Then again, there wasn’t much Ms. Abigail van Beagle wouldn’t eat.
So glad I did not do this – I too hate noise waking me so wear earplugs to bed… Our dog likes to eat my earplugs when they roll under the bed sometimes, but I’ve never personally tried them, perhaps he is onto something. My wife has asked me if I want to use them after Maxx recycles them and they are found in the yard or somewhere in an accident. I always say no thanks…
Blow a bubble with your earplug. Then I’ll be amused.
Was it bacon flavored gum?
At least it was your ear plug.
My solution to the light-sleeper problem?
1) Have a fan going at high speed all. year. round.
2) Kick husband out of the bedroom. Seriously — once he was out I have the Best. Sleep. Ever.
OH and that story is hilarious. When I used to sleep with them I would wake up and find one or both earplugs in one or both fists. Apparently I would take them out and just hold them in my fists and not drop them all night.
And my sister told me once she was dreaming of eating a pastry one night and when she woke up she was taking bites out of her earplugs.
Thought you might enjoy this if you haven’t already seen it:
http://www.rollcall.com/news/kentucky_democrats_fear_judd_may_drag_down_ticket-222436-1.html?pos=htmbtxt
My hubby is a first-class snorer and I wear earplugs at night, too. Never woke up chewing on one, though … although I have taken one out in the middle of the night and lost it before. Really a hoot of a story, I am still giggling!
OMG – I had the same thing happen to me over 20 years ago. I still have to wear ear plugs because I live in NYC and stared wearing them when I was po and had to share a bedroom with a male cousin drug dealer who would stay up all night watching sports. Anywho, 18 months later in an apt with my own room, I dreamt I was eating strawberry gummy candy. Something said, wake up and I realized I was eating my ear plugs. I woke up, freaked and started gulping water and ate some rye bread for some reason. The next morning my roomy was nonplussed but my co-workers thought it was the funniest thing. Same thing on the beach with my sisters friends that weekend. 4 or 5 months later, it was on an episode of Twin Peakes and agent what’s his name was speaking into his dictaphone to Diane his asst to confess that he just ate his ear plugs that in his dreams he saw as juju beans. Coincidence??
PS I found your site because I was googling for **** about Ashley Judd and how horrible she is because she may be running for the senate yet she insists on a comfort dog and 5 cats to be with her. Glad I found you. Your site is funner than fun.
Catherine – you’re in good company here! Make sure to do a search on Ashley Judd in the search bar, and spend some time perusing the archives. And get ready for serious awesomesauce from several other AJ-hating folks here.
O M G…I’m in tears. Hysterical Mock. Thank you for sharing. I wish I could have been a fly on the wall!! Ha ha.