Are You Sitting Down???

Because if you are, that is exactly what I am doing! We have so much in common.

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this link, to inform me that Tom Cruise and whatshername are getting a divorce, after 5 years.

I don’t know about you all, but I am in shock and disbelief not the least bit surprised. Any relationship that starts with a crazy Scientologist jumping on Oprah’s couch to declare his love for someone is doomed to failure.

Celebrities. Soooooooooooo predictable.

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  • el pato

    they lasted 5 years?
    must have felt like an eternity for katie!

  • Buckeye Bob

    She come out of her coma?

  • Charlie

    It is hard to be a beard for so long. I wonder if she will not be allowed to talk about her life with Tom like his last 2 wives. The man is a creep and he should come out of the closet and ride off into the sunset on John Travolta.

  • Rachel

    The five year contract she signed expired.

  • Hannah955

    Hey, Kelly Preston has been a beard for 20 years. It happens!

    I didn’t know that Tom Cruise was rumored to be gay.

    I heard rumors he was sterile. I mean, he and Nicole Kidman adopted two children when she was of childbearing age, and then she went on to have two children, I think, with Keith Urban, biological children. And his first ex-wife, Mimi Rogers, also had a baby by a later relationship (or marriage, not sure).

    Rumor had it Nicole Kidman had a miscarriage toward the end of their marriage… and then he hinted darkly “Nic knows why it [the divorce] happened” and I always wondered whether she got pregnant by another man and Tom Cruise knew he was sterile and it couldn’t be his.

    But then Suri was born and there was no suggestion she wasn’t his natural child.

    I have always felt that she was a most unattractive child. She reminds me of Damien from “The Omen.” But apparently that’s a minority opinion because she’s always in the news as this amazing fashionable kid.

  • King of all Photographers

    Oh no way. I never expected THIS to happen. I’m also shocked that the sun rises every morning.

  • Reminiscent_of_Purple

    He forgot to change the batteries in her mind control device.

  • el pato

    I heard on the news this morning that she stated that she “does not want her daughter around Scientology”.
    I guess she did finally wake up!
    I wonder how hard he’s going to fight to keep Suri with him?
    and when will the NEXT Mrs. Tom Cruise show up?

  • Hatchetwoman

    Hannah … you really didn’t hear all the various rumors about how Suri is not Cruise’s child? To this day, I have yet to see any resemblance between her and him. She looks very much like her mother, but from the first picture (where I’m sure that child was wearing a wig), she looked nothing like him.

    Maybe Katie will stop looking so old … it’s hard to believe it’s been only five years since they wed. She looks so haggard so much of the time.

  • Hannah955

    Hatchetwoman… no, I missed all the rumors! She really does look just like her mother and nothing like Tom, but that happens a lot.

    I recently came across stories about Mia Farrow’s son Ronan Farrow who is a prodigy. Graduated from college at 15 and was accepted to Yale Law but deferred for a couple of years, finally went and graduated I think at age 21, is now a Rhodes Scholar.

    He is supposed to be Woody Allen’s natural child but he looks NOTHING like him, looks exactly like Mia Farrow. Ronan has bright blue eyes, and I think Woody Allen’s eyes are brown (some sources say light brown, others say dark brown).

    But here’s the thing … blue eyes are produced by a recessive gene, so while two brown-eyed people can have a blue-eyed child, both have to have the recessive blue gene and even then they will only have a blue-eyed child 25% of the time.

    Mia Farrow has blue eyes. But in order for Ronan to be Woody Allen’s biological child, Woody Allen MUST have a recessive blue-eyed gene. There’s no way to know for sure, but he is Jewish, so that makes it less likely. And by looking at his immediate family tree (if one could find the data), it would be possible to tell.

    But basically short of a DNA test, no way to know for sure.

    BTW Ronan used to be called Satchel … Mia Farrow and Woody Allen never married and never lived together, but they were a couple for something like 11 years and he was a father figure to her extended brood of natural and adopted children. He was apparently obsessed with Satchel and with another little girl of Mia’s named Dylan, and was caught by her mother and sister doing some SERIOUSLY inappropriate things with the two children.

    Anyway, when Mia found nude photos of her daughter Soon-Yi Previn with Woody, she left him and basically set out on a scorched earth campaign to make sure he never had contact with her children again.

    Woody married Soon-Yi eventually, they have been married for something like 20 years and have two adopted daughters who are in their early teens.

    Ronan has had nothing to do with him for many years. On Father’s Day he actually tweeted “Happy Father’s Day. Or as they say in my family, Happy Brother-in-Law’s Day.” Ooh.. snap!

    BTW, I saw a mind-blowing story on some prime time news magazine a few years ago. It was about this man who had been married, and he and his wife had a child, then she divorced him and got both alimony and child support. He stayed in the child’s life, and eventually met a woman to whom he became engaged. When the woman finally met the child, she noticed that the child had brown eyes, whereas both he and his ex-wife had blue eyes. So basically, the fiancee figured out, ONE of them wasn’t that child’s biological parent!

    He got a DNA test that proved he wasn’t the father. And at that point, he severed all contact with the child (a shame, I think, but his choice) … and attempted to terminate the child support.

    Come to find out, even though the ex-wife knew who the biological father was all along, because her ex-husband was listed on the birth certificate, the state where they lived considered the welfare of the child to be top priority, so they said regardless of biological paternity, the ex-husband was the legal father and he could not discontinue child support.

    I don’t know about you but something struck me as INCREDIBLY wrong about that. Basically, it’s legal to trick a man into thinking he’s your baby’s father and then milk him for child support for 18 years.

    Wow.

  • janice

    OMG Mock, I used to talk about this all the time.

    At the time of Cruise was jumping on couches, there was a rumor (I think TMZ- which is usually shockingly accurate) had said that Cruise and his peeps were seeking out “a” willing female to help him “improve his image” – (I read, to keep him in the closet) – for a 5 year contract.

    Fast forward to the couch jumping – Katie had been on this potentials list that (again I believe it was TMZ) was published. I can’t recall who the other 4 potentials were. This was for an undisclosed very large sum of money, a minimum of 5 year marriage and potential child.

    Soooo, I noticed that in the tabloids, Katy was starting to sport her baby bump. This was before it was news that she was expecting. What struck me as completely off the wall crazy were 2 things as this pregnancy went on, 1) that she was sporting a bump with protruding belly button outie VERY – TOO EARLY even for stick thin hollywood – early on in this relationship. It was like 2-3 months in. And I thought, oh, so she got knocked up right away. Here’s the problem – from the date of that first pic (she was in some blue shiny shirt on a soccer field) to the date she finally gave birth to Suri, she’d have been pregnant for 11 months!!!! And I cannot believe that the tabs didn’t pick up on this? I will note, that most people were only on the rumor mill about the bump (like they are with everyone everday) – so it’s possible that they just didn’t buy it, and blamed the first bump sightings as a big lunch burrito or something.

    I used to be on this like you Mock are on Ashley Judd… I was convinced that this wasn’t his kid – that she was having some kind of animatronic baby – or that they were giving her invitro so she could have this baby – but that it failed or miscarried once and they had to do it again. The timeline just didn’t add up. And I never believed this was Cruise’s actual child.

    So now here we are at teh 5 years – contract is up. And she’s taking her loot and running with her invitro baby.

    And

  • janice

    stupid touch pad mouse – I was going to finish by saying that yes – I totally think that Travolta and Cruise have a thing – that they’ve used their wives to cover for them. They’re both in that creepy church.

  • janice

    Wow, just read on FoxNews that Katie is afriad the creepy church people are trying to kidnap Suri – there were beefy men in a white SUV packing heat, snapping photos and demanding info of people outside Katie’s bldg in NY. Police came to check out the men in the SUV who told the cops, ‘we’re just waiting for a bus’.

    Also, she filed for sole custody of Suri. I cannot say I blame her – in all the years tabloids have taken pics of that child – I think I’ve only seen ONE that contained Cruise. Katie was raising that kid on her own anyway. I hope he give up and give her what she wants. From what we’re able to perceive, he doesn’t seem to interested anyway.

    This story will continue to get creepier – and I really hope Katie uses some $$ to increase her security.

  • Hannah955

    Janice – that is some seriously juicy intel/gossip/whatever. If it’s true (5 year contract) then was the deal that Katie Holmes would divorce him after 5 years so he could pretend to be hetero and in love?

    What was the deal with Nicole Kidman then? Remember they were married for almost exactly 10 years, he divorced her, and she claimed to be blindsided. In fact, he reportedly wanted to divorce her and claim the marriage had not lasted 10 years because somehow (prenup? the law?) if they hit the 10 year mark she got a lot more money.

    But if Tom Cruise is a closeted gay, then why do we not see stories and lawsuits like with John Travolta?

    And, if Suri is not Tom’s natural child – did Katie Holmes agree to do artificial insemination? Or get pregnant by another man? It just seems so far-fetched.

  • Hannah955

    BTW Anderson Cooper came out as gay today and was quoted as saying: “The fact is, I’m gay, always have been, always will be, and I couldn’t be any more happy, comfortable with myself, and proud.”

    Weird, if a heterosexual claims to be “proud” of being straight, they’re practically accused of homophobia!

  • burning eyeballs

    I see shades of Tom in Sufi. Especially with her eyes and shape of face. And Anderson Cooper announced he was gay a long time ago.

  • Hannah955

    Um, no he didn’t! People speculated for years but he never confirmed it until today.

    http://www.google.com/hostednews/ap/article/ALeqM5if_IJ2nmEbxLu4kKllBvbsIvD8Zw?docId=6229ea9825724b469499e970d77af014

  • bee

    “but he is Jewish, so that makes it less likely.”
    -WTF??? 30% to 40% of Ashkenazi Jews have blue eyes. Your beloved Jesse Eisenbergerstein has blue eyes. Are you going to write a blog post about how he’s not likely to be Jewish? Please and thank you.