YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY! It’s over! 🙂
But first things first. I’m going to review the CRAP out of this crap.
The finale starts with CIA dude and hot Interpol chick showing up at the border where Paul created that huge “diversion” so Ashley could get away on top of a garbage truck. Mentor Martin aka Suspect Zero aka creepy dude who’s busying himself kissing Oxana on the forehead and welcoming her to the family has put nuclear weapon material into Paul’s car so that he could frame him, which is why Paul was carted off to jail in the last episode.
Flash to Ashley walking down the street. She calls CIA dude to ask how ex-boyfriend is doing. CIA dude fills her in that Violet was all sorts of trouble, that ex-boyfriend is fine, that they know Martin is who they’re after, that her car was filled with uranium, and that there’s probably enough uranium floating around to kill 50 million people. She reacts in a really over-dramatic way, because that is all Ashley Judd knows how to do, and says “Hey, you should totally look into the passport place from earlier in the show.” And he’s all, “I’m on it.”
Flash to Oxana and Michael hanging out on the balcony of the mansion. Michael says, “Something weird’s happening. This house TOTALLY belongs to Martin because all of the clothes in the closet are his size and all the cigars he likes are here.” Because, you know, every 18 year old knows their godfather’s size. Duh. Oxana calms him down, knowing that if she doesn’t, he is in PERILOUS HORRIBLE DANGER. Or something.
Flash to the CIA dude at the passport place. The MOMENT he walks in, Ashley calls him to see if he found any scoop. He’s all, “Nope- it’s been cleared out.” And she says, “Dammit” in the same voice that Seinfeld used to say “Newman” in, which makes me LOL. Turns out, she’s right across the street, watching him, so they hook up when he comes outside. He says, with as much sympathy as he can muster, “Wow. Martin. You must feel so totally betrayed.” And she says, “There will be plenty of time to feel betrayed later. Right now I need to find my kid.” Because, in case you’ve forgotten, she is NOT CIA SHE IS A MOTHER LOOKING FOR HER SON.
She tells CIA dude that he’s going to need to go ahead and get Paul out of jail, so that she can show Michael how cool his daddio is. And he’s like, “Hello. Ashley. One doesn’t just get someone out of jail. You need to give me a few days.” And she’s all, “I don’t have a few days.” And somehow, just like that, he’s like, “Yeah. Ok. Let’s go get your husband.” And she makes this face at him.
Flash to CIA dude visiting Paul in jail. No – I’m not kidding. Apparently, on this show, they have secret time machines. CIA dude says, “Sorry buddy – I can’t get you out of jail, but if you can sneak out of here and be in the front of the building in 10 minutes, Ashley’ll be there.” And Paul is all, “But I’m unarmed.” And so CIA dude gives him a gun. YAY PROBLEM SOLVED!
But it gets better. CIA dude tells him that in order to make this all look like it’s on the up and up, Paul will have to knock him out. I’m totally not making this up. So he turns his back to Paul, and asks him how on earth he was able to live without his family for the past 10 years, and Paul says, “No one dies of a broken heart. Even though they wish they could.”
This is the level of writing we are dealing with.
And then he tells CIA dude that he’ll count to 3 before hitting him, and says, “1…” and hits him. Oooooo – that sneaky sneak!!!
Paul walks out of his cell and starts shooting guards and knocking them out one by one. I’m totally not kidding. It’s the most ridiculous, absurd, preposterous scene ever. I think he kills like four of them, and makes his way to where CIA dude said he’s supposed to go.
Flash to Ashley driving some old truck, which the producers of this show made look as fake as possible.
She drives up, and Paul jumps through barbed wire and lands in the bed of the truck, and they speed off.
Flash to them meeting CIA dude, who is completely recovered, on some remote road. Paul is in different clothes, inexplicably. Ashley asks for the latest “intel” on Michael. CIA says, “I have someone being transported here now who knows a bunch of stuff.”
Flash to Violet being transported and not looking the least bit happy about it. She’s being accompanied by two guards and a driver, all of whom she somehow manages to shoot just by giving one of the guards a sexy face. I’m being completely serious. The truck flips over, and she runs away into a field.
Flash to the mansion. Michael’s sneaking around looking for evidence of anything weird. He walks into a room, opens a drawer. Nothing. That’s the producers’ idea of suspense. Because lo and behold in the second drawer? JACKPOT. He finds their passports. ALL OF A SUDDEN Martin and his creepy guard come in, and so Michael quickly pretends like he was just in there to have a spot of scotch. You know.
Flash to Ashley, Paul and CIA dude finding the flipped over truck Violet escaped from. They split up to go look for her.
Flashback to 1997 in Chechnya, where Paul and Ashley are capturing a war criminal and she’s having big fat second thoughts about handing him over to mean people. And Paul’s all, “This is our assignment. Deal.”
Flash to the present. CIA dude spots Violet first. They exchange some gunfire at each other. Finally, he gets her in the leg. Ashley and Paul arrive pointing guns at her. Violet’s all belligerent, and tells Ashley Michael is as good as dead. Ashley looks like this:
Flash to CIA headquarters. CIA dude enters room where Paul is pacing and Ashley is napping and says, “Violet totally won’t talk. Even after I’ve basically offered her immunity and everything else I could think of to offer her.” The camera pans to Ashley’s face, and she’s remembering more about Chechnya. The war criminal is begging Ashley to just kill him instead of sending him to the evil torture meanies. He’s totally getting to her, but she tries to just ignore him.
Flash to the present at the mansion. Michael is rubbing Oxana’s shoulders and telling her that something isn’t right – Mentor Martin already has the passports even though he’s saying they can’t leave till the passports come. Oxana fesses up that she’s been all secret-keepy, and that she knows how bad Mentor Martin is. And Michael says, “Awww – you were totally trying to protect me that is so cute!” And she says, “Just leave me here and go on without me.” And he’s all, “Hell to the no. Why would I do that?” And she says, “Because I liiiiiiiiiied to you.” And he says, “No – because all we need is each other. This moment, you standing here in my arms? This is where your life starts. ” And then they make out.
I didn’t embellish or exaggerate that last line of his AT ALL. I swear!
Mentor Martin comes in and says, “Hey guys! Passports are here! We can go now!” Cue Oxana and Michael looking at each other ominously.
Flash to CIA headquarters. Ashley is remembering more Chechnya, when the war criminal begs her not to send him to the torture meanies again. She ignores him, and watches Paul take him to the torture meanie. You can tell he feels super guilty about it though. They drive off, but she stops the car so that she can have a political discussion with Paul about torture. She’s all, “Torture is wrong, period.”
Flash to the present. Ashley walks into the holding room that Violet is in. She informs Violet that she needs to go ahead and tell her where Michael is. Violet tells her to kiss her ass. Ashley tells her that she will do ANYTHING to get it out of her. Violet smirks.
Flash back to Chechnya. Ashley and Paul go and shoot the torture meanie right in the middle of all the torture. They let the war criminal go.
Flash to the present. Ashley tells CIA dude that she needs all sorts of torture-y items. Paul says, “You can’t do this – it goes against everything you believe in.” And Ashley says, “THEY ARE GOING TO KILL OUR SON” while she makes this face.
Paul is mad at CIA dude, because CIA dude KNEW Ashley would get all torture-y.
Flash to Ashley getting ready to start the torture fun. She tells Violet she’ll start by breaking all of her fingers knuckle by knuckle. And Violet’s all smirky and says, “Nah – you totally won’t.” And Ashley says, “Yeah – I wouldn’t have in the past but you have my kid now. So anyway, then I’m going to take out all your teeth with a hammer. And then I’ll break your kneecaps. And if you’re still not talking, we’ll move on to electric shocks with your feet in water using a car battery. You’ll be basically begging God to let you die, but the only God in here is me.”
She puts some pliers around Violet’s finger, and breaks the first one. Violet screams a blood curdling scream, which is significant for two reasons: first, because it honestly may be one of the most well-acted moments of the entire series, and second, because she perfectly captures my feelings about the show in that scream. PURE AGONY.
Flash to the mansion. Mentor Martin is putting Oxana and Michael on a boat with a bunch of creepy dudes. Martin tells them he’ll catch up with them later. The three of them exchange death stares.
Flash back to wherever it is that Ashley is torturing Violet. I forget where that is. Anyway, Ashley comes out of that room crying, but with all sorts of information about where and when important stuff relating to Michael is going down. Paul says, “What did you do in there?” Ashley says, “I found our son.” And she makes this face.
All of the stuff related to Michael that’s going to go down, however, is going to go down in like 10 minutes. So they all take off.
Flash to Mentor Martin entering a really beautiful and grand building. Ashley and company are watching him in a balcony a few stories up, because as you may recall, they have a time machine. She’s freaking, because Michael is nowhere to be found. Some blonde hippie chick walks up and asks Martin a question, and he seems mildly irritated by the interruption. She thanks him and walks off. Martin gives all of these super secret baseball-type hand gestures, which makes like 5 different creepy dudes switch out 5 different creepy backpacks and take off. CIA dude is all, “OMG GET THOSE BAGS” over his radio to all of his people, who, I’ll remind you, he was able to mobilize in TEN MINUTES. With their time machine. You know.
Then police come out and there is mass chaos, and they lose Martin in the crowd. Paul spots him, calls his name with his gun drawn, but Martin turns and shoots him first. Ashley catches up to Paul, asks where he’s hit, but Paul is all, “Just go” so she goes chasing after Martin.
Flash to Michael and Oxana in the back of a car. Creepy dude is in the front seat. Michael says, “Hey – it’s dumb to just sit here. We’re going to go” and he gets out of the car. Creepy dude rolls his eyes, shows Michael his gun, and Michael gets back in. Oxana continues to look the same amount of petrified that she’s looked this entire season. Martin calls creepy dude and tells him where they need to meet.
Flash to all sorts of creepy backpack guys running, and all sorts of CIA guys chasing them down and capturing them all. But guess what? ALL OF THE BACKPACKS ARE EMPTY OMG.
Flash to CIA dude running back to the beautiful building, where he has captured the hippie blonde chick and LO AND BEHOLD she has the backpack with all of the uranium in it. SCORE! There was a specific way that he figured out it was the hippie blonde chick but it’s too stupid to explain to you.
Flash to Ashley chasing Martin. He’s onto her now, so he whips out his gun. They all approach the car that Michael and Oxana are in. One creepy dude yanks Oxana out of the car to hold her hostage, and Martin grabs Michael. Ashley shoots the Oxana-holding creepy dude. Then she sees Michael and says, “I’m right here, baby. I’m right here.” Police cars start coming from everywhere. Martin shoves Michael forward and runs off.
There’s a tearful reunion.
It only lasts a second, because Ashley says, “Stay here. This isn’t over yet.” And she takes off.
Martin has climbed up on some roof somewhere, and Ashley is following him and they’re shooting at each other. It’s supposed to be all tense and suspense-y, but mostly I’m just really getting bored and want this freaking show to BE OVER ALREADY FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.
Finally, she gets him in the stomach. And tells him that she’d spent the last 10 years becoming a decent person and in just two weeks (Oh THAT’S how much time has passed! Huh!) he took her back to the depths of hell. But “Not Michael” she says. “Michael has all sorts of love oozing out of him because he’s like the best kid ever.” Martin says, “You’re not going to kill me, Ashley. You’re not that cold-blooded agent anymore.” And she says, and I’m not even making this up, “You’re right. I’m a mother.” And she makes this face, which could be most favorite screen capture of ALL TIME:
And then the camera pans to everyone down on the ground, and there is one last shot fired, and then from the top of the roof, we see this:
I laughed SO HARD at that.
She stares at everyone for a minute and then tosses her gun to the side. Then she comes down and gets handcuffed by the police as Michael watches tearfully and Ashley looks tearfully back at him. Then CIA dude shows the head police dude the uranium in the back of one of his cars, and police dude is all, “Well, that seems more important than keeping this annoying chick in jail” and he un-handcuffs Ashley, and she gets all sentimental with CIA dude and makes this face:
And Ashley walks up to Michael and hugs him again and tells him she’s got a bunch of stuff to catch him up on, when RIGHT AT THAT MOMENT, Paul emerges from a car, holding on to his open gaping bullet wound. And Michael is all, “Dad???” And Ashley makes this face:
And then there’s a group hug and Oxana gets in on the hugging action too and it’s all very nice and happy and stuff.
But THEN, because Ashley thought ABC would want to keep the show going for another season, they flash to a week later in Prague, where the four of them had just had lunch and are walking back outside. Ashley’s all smiley and tells them she’ll go get the car. (She has obviously dropped her ex-boyfriend like a hot potato.) But then when the car pulls up, it goes past them and bumps into another car. And when they open the door, there’s blood in the front seat, and Ashley’s purse is still there, and there’s a bullet hole through the back windshield.
AND SO ASHLEY IS MISSING OMG. Which would be awesome in Actual Life, but since this stupid show didn’t get picked up for another season, now everyone who actually cares about this show is left to wonder what happened to her.
There’s apparently a petition to have another network pick this show up, but there are only like 60 signatures or something so far. If they manage to get more and a 2nd season happens, then probably the first line of the 2nd season will be Paul yelling at someone, “I AM NOT CIA I AM A HUSBAND LOOKING FOR HIS WIFE!”
Let’s all hope that this is the end of though, because I seriously could not do this for another 10 episodes. I’m exhausted.