Missing Review: Episode Whatever. I Don’t Care.

I’m starting off with this hilarious picture of Ashley from 2008, because it is far more interesting than her stupid show.

But I promised I’d review the whole series, and I’m going to deliver.

This week’s episode starts with Politichick from DC walking Ashley to a secure and secret location with a bag over her head so she can’t see.  I kind of like that look on her.  Once Ashley is locked up in a room, Politichick comes to interrogate her, and accuses Ashley of KNOWING who has her son.  Ashley is all, “Whatevs.”  And Politichick says, “Why don’t you tell me about Operation Songbird?”

And she makes this face:

So Ashley has a flashback to the time she and Paul were assigned to Operation Songbird, where they were supposed to help some mother find her son.  And she remembers when Paul tells her Michael is being bullied at school and Ashley is all hurt because Michael didn’t come to her for support.  And so Paul is all, “Well, why did you volunteer us for this stupid Songbird mission when you should be staying at home being a mom to Michael, beyotch?”

Flash to the train, where Michael and Oxana are basking in the afterglow of their bizarrely-timed lovemaking.  She’s all happy that they have a gun to protect themselves, and she wants to teach him to use it, but he’s an 18-year old horndog with his mind on round two.  He starts kissing her and tells her that her lips are cold, and she says she needs to take her insulin.  But all they have is like a half a dose, and he asks her how long that will last her.  She says, ominously, “Not long enough.”

Flash to ex-boyfriend pestering CIA dude about why they’re holding onto Ashley. CIA dude tells him a bunch of stuff that I wasn’t interested enough to really pay attention to, but that makes ex-boyfriend question whether or not Ashley is really innocent in all of this.  CIA dude is convinced she’s bad news and that “she’s going down.”

This is the level of writing we’re dealing with.

Flash back to Politichick questioning Ashley.  Ashley says, “I will answer your questions under one condition.  That when I prove you wrong, you use every resource you have to find my son.”  And Politichick says, “Ok – but if you don’t prove you’re clean, you’re going to Guantanamo.”

Flash to the train, where Michael has decided to leave Oxana while he goes off to find a way to get insulin. Naturally, he decides the best way is to get ON TOP of the train, in one of the most fake looking scenes ever:

And while he’s up there, he notices that several traincars up ahead is the TEA DUDE OMG!! He returns to the traincar to hug on Oxana some more.

Flash back to Ashley being interrogated and that one mentor dude of hers also being interrogated about Operation Songbird.  Ashley remembers stuff about it, including a young boy she was watching out for.  I suppose it’s of importance but I DON’T CARE.

Flash to Tea Dude who jumps RIGHT INTO the traincar that Michael and Oxana are in and attacks Michael. There’s a scuffle, and then Tea Dude jumps on Oxana.  More scuffling.  She scratches the CRAP out of Tea Dude’s face.  Michael grabs the gun that he doesn’t know how to use.  Tea Dude kicks it out of his hand.  More scuffling.  Michael and Oxana both work together to kick Tea Dude off the train.  And that’s PRECISELY when the train decides to stop.

They get off and start running, because of course Tea Dude has gotten up like a total zombie and is already after them.

Flash back to Ashley’s interrogation.  Politichick is informing her that the kid she was charged with looking after is actually the son of the creepy dude who owns the oil company.  Ashley is apparently surprised.  Politichick also informs her that the life insurance money Ashley’s been withdrawing over the years isn’t really life insurance money at all, because there is no life insurance company.  Politichick thinks creepy oil dude has really been paying Ashley all these years for not getting his kid back to his mother.  If you’re confused, I can’t help you, because I DON’T CARE ENOUGH.

Flash to the past, in the middle of Operation Songbird, where Paul and Ashley are in a car getting away with the young boy, and they are being chased by all sorts of bad guys.  Ashley is being all maternal to the young boy.

Flash to CIA dude and ex-boyfriend riding in a car together somewhere.  CIA dude has just had a phone fight with his ex-wife about custody stuff.  They have a little male bonding time in the car.

Flash to Michael and Oxana walking through a field of grapes, and Oxana is eating them and looking like she’s on the verge of death.  They see a small wine cellar-y looking thing.  Michael carries Oxana inside and lays her down.  She’s basically almost unconscious.

Flash back to Ashley’s interrogation. More memories of Operation Songbird.  Right when Ashley and Paul are returning the young boy to his mom, and there’s a happy reunion about to take place, the young boy reaches into Paul’s pants, grabs his gun, and shoots his OWN MOTHER.  And then he takes off running to a van, which loads him right in and drives off.   So Ashley says to Politichick, “You think I set the kid up to do that?  What sort of woman do you think I am?”  And Politichick is all, “You had a crap childhood.”  And then she asks Ashley why she didn’t kill the young boy when she had the chance.  And Ashley is all, “HELLO – he was a 12 year old boy.”  And Politichick says, “Well lookee how he grew up!”  And shows Ashley pictures of the BLOND DUDE who killed HBC and put Ashley into the car trunk a couple episodes ago OMG!

Flash to ex-boyfriend and CIA dude, who have caught up to the train that no longer has Michael and Oxana on it.  They flash badges and guns at the conductor to have him stop the train.  Since Michael and Oxana are NOT on the train, ex-boyfriend suddenly loses faith in Ashley and decides she’s been totally lying to him about everything.  CIA dude is like, “Told ya.”

Flash to the wine cellar.  Tea Dude has come in and is ready to kill everyone.  A new scuffle ensues.  Oxana can’t help, because she’s basically unconscious.  Michael proceeds to get the crap kicked out him. Tea Dude starts choking him, when ALL OF A SUDDEN Michael reaches for a piece of wood and knocks Tea Dude in the head with it.  Again and again.  Until Tea Dude is all sorts of dead. Michael then starts crying because he feels bad for killing a man.  Oxana says, “He would have killed you, so no biggie.  You will always be the man who saved me.”  And then she is unconscious FOR REALS.

Flash back to Ashley’s interrogation.  Politichick is accusing her again of orchestrating the murder of the young boy’s mother by the young boy.  And then she says, “Just got a message that Michael wasn’t on that train.  You lose, Ashley.”  And then she walks out, leaving Ashley to make all sorts of dramatic pained expressions.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, a super double secret passageway magically opens up in the room that Ashley is being held in, and she goes through it and runs through the secret passageway.  Politichick comes back in, sees that Ashley is gone, and then ALL OF A SUDDEN someone grabs her from behind and stabs her in the gut and kills her.  Good riddance, I say, because her acting SUCKED.  But get this you guys – it’s CIA DUDE’S GIRLFRIEND, the other CIA chick (I think her name is Violet), who killed her!  Oooooooooooooooooo.

CIA dude and ex-boyfriend run in and call everyone else in too.  And Violet re-enters and acts just as shocked as everyone else.

Ashley runs through a bunch of hallways and then kicks a door open to the outside.  Right then, a van passes by with some writing on it, and Ashley says to no one, “Vienna.”

Flash to Michael who is carrying Oxana, looking lost and agonized.

Flash to Ashley walking the streets of Vienna, remembering Operation Songbird and telling Paul that the mother that the young boy shot was pronounced TOTALLY dead at the hospital.  Ashley is feeling like maybe she and Paul could have done something, but Paul is all, “We are not at fault here.”  And she makes ugly cry face again.

Flash to the present.  Guess who’s following Ashley on the streets of Vienna?  BLOND DUDE OMG.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand scene.

I’m seriously dumber for watching this.


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