I remember being a kid, and being SO EXCITED when someone would come to the door, because more often than not, it was someone I wanted to see – another neighborhood kid looking for a play buddy, for example.
But as an adult? I find the doorbell to be one of the most intrusive sounds ever, and I’m always a little freaked out by it. Even when Mr. Mock is HOME – I get nervous and weirded out and anxious. Because we’re never EXPECTING people to come over that we don’t know about anymore. Back in the day, we were always expecting drop-ins. But drop-ins have become rude and intrusive, and so when the doorbell rings, I’m always POSITIVE that it’s a serial killer, even though serial killers typically do not bother with doorbells.
You guys, I’m seriously worried about the current inhabitants of the United States, because there are tons of people tweeting Ashley Judd about how awesome of an actress she is, and how awesome the show Missing is, and it is making me truly question the sanity of the people with whom I share a country.
You can watch Episode 2 below, but I’m just telling you in advance – people LIKE THIS SHOW. Granted, Ashley lost 20% of her viewers between the premiere and the 2nd week, but still – over 8 million people are watching this show, and not for the reason I am – which is to mock it – but because they inexplicably LIKE IT.
Here’s what happens. This is the Actual Storyline, that Actual Writers are presumably being paid to Actually Write.
1. Ashley is floating in the Seine after being shot, but memories of Michael wake her up, and she is somehow able to grab all of the photos of him that are floating around her before swimming to the shoreline.
2. Soaking wet, Ashley somehow transports herself to a fancy French restaurant, to find a woman who she somehow knows from her CIA past, presumably within like 5 minutes of swimming to shore, because she is literally DRIPPING wet.
3. Sylvie, the French chick that Ashley knows in the restaurant, takes her to get her bullet wound fixed up and gives her a gun. Handy!
4. In the VERY NEXT SCENE, which is all of a sudden daylight, Ashley approaches two cops, and in broad daylight points the gun at them, demands to be arrested, and taken to see some Important French dude.
5. In the next scene, in a dark prison room with the Important French Dude, Ashley is instructed by the director of this ridiculous TV show to use her deepest voice, her meanest glare, and say the line (and I am not making this up), “Antoine – if I had tried to kill you, you’d be dead.” THIS IS THE LEVEL OF WRITING we are dealing with. *Insert ominous music here.*
6. Ashley makes a deal with the Important French Dude, because she’s got some hard drive that he wants, which obviously makes him look bad, and in exchange for it, he’ll help her get her kid back.
7. The dude from the first episode shows up RIIIIIGHT when Ashley walks out of the prison cell, and somehow, the photos she retrieved of Michael from the Seine are in PERFECT CONDITION, so that she can show them to him. After which, of course, she tells him to go away, because she needs to do “what she has to do” all on her own.
8. Cut to a scene where SOMEHOW, Ashley is in the middle of a farm, where some dude is grooming a horse. And she says, “Hello Hard Drive” to him, and they exchange an ominous look. Then she tells him he has to come testify against the Important French Dude, and he gets all weirded out and says no. And then she says, “My car is over there,” and miraculously, he goes with her.
9. Meanwhile, at CIA HQ, they are SO ONTO HER AND EVERYTHING SHE’S DOING, and so they plot to find her before the Important French Dude kills everyone in the entire TV show.
10. Wistful moment in the car with Hard Drive, as he asks her for a favorite memory (?) and she tells a story about how Michael’s first word was banana, and that he was looking at the sliver of moon in the sky when he said it, and she marveled at how yes, indeed, the moon sliver looks like a banana. THIS IS THE LEVEL OF WRITING WE ARE DEALING WITH, you guys.
11. Hard Drive tells Ashley how hard his life is, because he remembers everything and can’t put bad memories out of his head. See? Get it? That’s how he got his nickname. See what they did there?
12. Ashley, overcome by Hard Drive’s sadness, gets out of the car, in the middle of nowhere but with PERFECT CELL PHONE RECEPTION, and calls the Important French Dude to ask for a new deal. While she’s on the phone with him, he instantly is able to send her video of her kid being beat up, which she is able to view with perfect clarity, and tells her to bring Hard Drive to a meeting place in one hour.
13. Cue Ashley looking torn between sacrificing Hard Drive to the Important French Dude, and saving her kid.
14. She drives to the meeting spot, and Hard Drive figures out he’s about to be sacrificed, and informs her that he’s a family man. She gets all weepy, but then the Important French Dude shows up with a guy wearing a bag over his head, which Ashley is SURE is Michael, so there’s a trade with guns drawn, and then just like anyone with half a brain could have anticipated, the dude with the bag over his head WASN’T Michael, which Ashley figures out in the NICK OF TIME, and then there’s a big gun battle, during which no one gets hurt and Ashley and Hard Drive escape.
15. On the way to nowhere, Ashley inexplicably pulls over, gets out of the car and frets about how she almost fell for the Important French Dude’s trick, Hard Drive gets out and asks her how she figured it out, and she tells a story about how Michael has an imperceptible limp which only she, as his mother, could notice. And then she tells him that they need to move his family, and they get back into the car. WHY they ever got out of the car, I have no idea.
16. Meanwhile, back in DC, there are politics in play here. IT’S ALL FREAKING POLITICAL and mysterious and whatnot.
17. Dude from first episode shows up at Hard Drive’s house, presumably at Ashley’s instruction, to help move the family to safety. Ashley spends some time being mothery to the two young girls, because the writers obviously felt like they needed to inject a little emotion into Ashley’s totally one-dimensional character.
18. Dude from first episode coaches Ashley to stop thinking like a mom and instead be more of a cold, calculating operative. So she decides to break into French Intelligence and hack the Important French Dude’s computer. PERFECT!
19. Hard Drive offers to go with her, and she says ok, and then says, all dramatic-like, “Let’s go get my son.”
20. Flash to the CIA agent, who the writers want us desperately to know has a family. First they had him looking at his kids’ pics and a little clay thingy they made, and then he declines a call from them on his iphone. It is VERY IMPORTANT that we know he has kids, you guys.
21. CIA agent meets Important French Dude at a cafe, and we learn that the IFD knows all about CIA agent’s family, and where they are. Ooooooooooooo. But ultimately, they agree to work together, and CIA dude tells IFD that he can have Hard Drive if CIA dude can have Ashley.
22. Ashley waits outside French Intelligence, (wearing a brand new scarf!) and purposefully bumps into another chick walking out, and steals the badge from around her neck. Sneaky! She gives the badge to Hard Drive, who’s waiting in the car, and he magically has super awesome special badge duplicating machinery in the car with him, and he transfers all of the badge credentials to one especially for Ashley. This all occurs in about 15 seconds, after which Ashley says, as huskily as she possibly can, “Let’s do this.”
23. Even though she is apparently wanted by EVERYONE in Europe, she and Hard Drive manage to get right past security at French Intelligence. Hard Drive sets off a fire alarm, and Ashley uses that opportunity to climb a wall.
24. Then, she climbs a pole.
25. After climbing stuff, Ashley crawls right into precisely the window that she needs to crawl in, and walks right up to precisely the computer she needs, in order to open some locked gate that Hard Drive is waiting next to by entering precisely the code she needs.
26. Hard Drive shows up, and together they attempt to open a locked door. Cue two security guards approaching. Naturally, she kicks both of their assular areas, taking one of their guns and using it to open the locked door, which is IFD’s office, and Hard Drive immediately starts trying to hack the computer.
27. Meanwhile, CIA agent and his pals are at Hard Drive’s old house, now abandoned, and they come across the VERY SAME CLAY THINGY that CIA agent’s kids made for him, meaning that his kids and Hard Drive’s kids probably go to the same school. Or something.
28. Meanwhile, riiiiiiiiiiiight before more security guards show up at French Intelligence, Hard Drive discovers on the computer that he’s successfully hacked, that Michael is going to be on a flight out of France in 20 minutes. And while Ashley looks on anxiously, Hard Drive uses the computer he hacked to magically open a secret staircase down which she can escape. I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP. And she says, “You can’t stay here” and he says he has to keep looking for more dirt on IFD, and as she turns to go down the secret staircase he says, “I figured out why you look different. Motherhood becomes you.” And she looks all tearful, and the writers Actually Believe that these little snippets of lines about motherhood will make us remember that this movie is about motherhood and not Ashley Judd trying to reclaim her Double Jeopardy days.
29. Ashley leaves the building, calls CIA dude and begs him to stop the plane, and then spies a motorcycle, which she naturally steals. And there’s a helmet on it! Which fits her perfectly! And so she speeds off towards the airport, because she obviously knows PRECISELY WHERE IT IS.
30. Meanwhile, Hard Drive has miraculously found precisely the information he wanted, and has somehow miraculously made the information appear on every computer at every intelligence agency all at the same time, and it just so happens that it’s information that brings down the IFD in a big ole pile of corruption. Isn’t that amazing and miraculous and awesome? And when IFD shows up and sees it, he looks out the window and Hard Drive is looking back up at him, smiling. Coincidentally.
31. Ashley shows up on the airport runway riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight when two dudes are loading a handcuffed Michael onto the plane, and she runs at him, screaming his name, and he yells, “Mom please help me!” a bunch of times, and she screams some more, and then the plane takes off and she collapses into a pile of overacting, overdramatic tears and groans and screams and rips at her own clothes, and then the CIA agent shows up and looks at her all pitiful-like.
Aaaaand scene. If you still feel like watching it, you can. But honestly, that’s pretty much how it went.
I don’t watch the Actual Version of this show, because that Gordon Ramsey dude is too shouty and yelly and mean and I don’t like him. But this totally made me giggle, what with the dude having no idea how Chef felt about the food and whatnot.
Alert and astute mockdocker Valerie sent me this video of her cat enjoying some Mock Dock.
Do you have any idea how much I love that someone took time to video tape their cat looking at my site? I mean, granted, I know the cat was watching someone else’s video which just HAPPENED to be on the Mock Dock, but still, the youtube video is ENTITLED Thilly Thylvester likes the Mock Dock, and that just gives me indescribable glees.
Incidentally, the name Thilly Thylvester made me remember waaaaaaaaaay back when I used to work for a temporary agency as a recruiter, and I constantly had temps calling me to see if there were any jobs available, and one of them in particular was a guy named Jeff Thistlethwaite, and you guys, HE HAD A HORRIBLE LISP. Can you imagine having a lisp when THAT is your last name? Anyway, when he would call, he would assume that I knew who it was when he simply said, “Hi this is Jeff” even though I had like 45,000 other Jeffs who called in all the time. And so I would say, “Jeff who?” and he would have to say Thistlethwaite with his crazy crazy lisp.
And after awhile, I DID know that it was him, just by the sound of his voice, but you guys, I still made him say his last name. Partly because it annoyed me that ANYONE would think it’s ok to call a company and not fully introduce themselves, but mostly because it amused me to hear him say his last name.
And this, mockdockers, is why I’m going to hell. Among many other reasons. 🙂
I couldn’t take it anymore. The winter blonde was really giving me the blues, and so even though it’s only March, I went FULL ON SUMMER today, and I already feel like my old self again. Plus, we’ve had the most summerlicious weather for the past couple of weeks ANYWAY, so it doesn’t really feel too early.
PLUS, Mr. Mock and I are headed to Vegas next weekend for his belated 40th birthday celebration, and CLEARLY I have to be blonde for that.
You’re probably all, “WHY ARE YOU TELLING US THIS?” And I really have no idea, honestly, except that it’s little things like going summer blonde that give me immeasurable glees, and I felt like sharing my glee with you.
But just so you don’t feel like this post has been a TOTAL waste, here’s a dude with a coupla bags of goats.