Monthly Archive for June, 2011

This Is TOTALLY ACCURATE

I’m still waiting to feel like an adult, and I’ve technically been one for many many many many many many many many many many years.

Do any of you feel like adults?  What’s that like?

ATTENTION TOWNSPEOPLE

I am generally not attracted to men with a lot of tattoos (except Robbie Williams), men who wear jewelry, or men who look like they could use a bath.  Lenny Kravitz is a tattooed, bejeweled, dirty man, and He. Is. Hot.

Carry on.

Counting Challenged

Seriously, Norma – if you have three kittens that you want someone to adopt, it miiiiiiight be a good idea to use an Actual Photograph of the Actual Kittens, versus some dumb drawing with a butterfly in it.

You Know Who I Still Hate With The Fury Of A Billion Suns?

If your first reaction was to say “Ashley Judd” – congratulations, you’re partially correct.  Because my feelings haven’t changed about her.  But in this particular instance, I’m talking about HER:

According to this,  Octomom hates her babies and wishes they’d never been born.

Way to go, Octomom.  Way to GUARANTEE that your kids will hate you and need extensive therapy.  Although, I suppose that was sort of a given.

She told In Touch magazine, “I hate the babies, they disgust me.  ‘My older six are animals, getting more and more out of control, because I have no time to properly discipline them. The only way I can cope is to lock myself in the bathroom and cry. Sometimes I sit there for hours and even eat my lunch sitting on the toilet floor. Anything to get peace and quiet.”

Meanwhile, there are photos of one of her kids EATING DRYWALL in her crappy house.  So yeah – while she’s locked up and crying in her bathroom, her kids are LITERALLY eating the walls.

It’s so bad, that she’s considered suicide.  “Some days I have thought about killing myself. I cannot cope.”

But don’t worry, mockdockers, because she does love the kids.  She just wishes she’d never had them.  “Obviously I love them – but I absolutely wish I had not had them,” she says.

Well, that’s a relief.  And to further ease your mind about her awesome parenting skills, take heart – for Octomom is drawing unemployment and taking advantage of all of your tax dollars to support herself and the kids, and is focusing on what matters most – finding a date.

She just filmed an episode of a TV dating show called Celebridate.  And she’s all sorts of confident.  “Ever since I was little, I was aware that men wanted me and the hardest thing was keeping them away.”

Ick.

I officially hate any man who’s stupid enough to date her.

Why Don’t You Have A Seat Over Here, Chris?

Awwww jeeez.

Chris Hansen just got totally busted cheating on his wife, by an undercover camera crew from the Enquirer.

Here’s Chris and his wife:

And here’s the new chick Chris has decided to bang on the side:

Chris – you may have chosen a chick 23 years younger than your wife, but you downgraded.  I’m just saying.

Plus, you’re a jerk.  And I’m disappointed in you.

Cheaters suck.

HOLY MOTHER OF CRAP

I really really really really really hope Mini Mock doesn’t ever feel a need to try something like this. I mean, it’s way cool that some OTHER kid did it. But I don’t want Mini Mock to do it, because I am not a fan of high blood pressure.

Way cool, though. For that other kid.

I’m Not A Cat Expert Or Anything…

…but it seems to me that this cat INTENSELY DISLIKES the water, given that it tries to get out of the pool at every possible opportunity. I’m not buying its owner’s story that he “loves water.”

That said, this totally gives me the weeps. Poor kitty cat. I hope he keeps up his water therapy and gets all walk-happy again.

This Is TOTALLY My Approach To Fixing Stuff That’s Broken

I could not have designed a more accurate chart.  I just showed it to Mr. Mock, who agreed that it perfectly encapsulates my entire strategy on fixing stuff.  It also NEVER WORKS.

I Don’t Know If You Were Aware Of This…

…but security guards are EXPERTS at determining whether or not you are a prostitute. FYI.  You know, in case you’re unsure.

Plus, they’re friendly. :)

Speaking Of Giant Boobular Areas…

…I don’t know of a way to slow this down to verify, but I’m pretty sure this chick gets slapped in the face by her own boobs.

Which, considering the circumstances, is just salt in the wound.

But hilarious. :)

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