Monthly Archive for August, 2010

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Size, In This Case, Doesn’t Matter

Ever since I told you all about my hatred of turtles, I’ve been amused at how often some of you have tried to send me turtle-related stuff in the hopes that with exposure therapy, you could cure me of this hatred.

FYI: It is NOT WORKING. 🙂

Now, I’ll admit, when an alert and astute mockdocker sent me the turtle with the kitten riding on its back, I was slightly disarmed. But only because I focused on the kitten, and less on its mode of transport.

Today, an alert and astute mockdocker sent me this video, with a message that said, “I know how you feel about turtles, but this one is SO TINY!”

But, as I replied to this mockdocker, LOOK AT THAT TINY TURTLE’S FACE! That is the face of PURE EVIL, you guys. Watching that thing eat is like watching a horror movie.

Thankfully, you’re all also really good at sending me adorable animal photos too, and this one of a monkey with its own personal cat helped me get over the tiny turtle terror:

Product Watch

So, no fewer than 5 of you now have sent me separate emails over the last few months, suggesting that I should product test the Booty Pop, which is underwear that enhances your assular area.  It’s like a padded bra for your butt.

I’m not sure how to take these suggestions.  I mean, should I be flattered that y’all think my assular area is small enough to require enhancing?  Or should I be insulted that you think my booty needs to be enhanced in the first place?

Let me just set the record straight right now.  My booty is plenty popped.  It doesn’t need MORE poppage.  If I tried this product, I would end up with a bigger assular area than Kim Kardashian, and I’m not particularly interested in trying to outdo her.

So while I appreciate your suggestions (I think!), I’m going to skip this particular product test.  But let me know if you come across a booty deflating product, because I could get on board with that.

Ow.

See – they don’t warn you about this when you’re in sportscasting school, I bet.

I love the super slo-mo. I just wish the clip ran longer so we could see the aftermath. Like – does this chick have a concussion or did she just laugh it off?

So many questions.

Question.

Which person were your eyes drawn to first?  Because mine went straight to the jolly green giant, and I immediately thought, “THAT is a really unfortunate top she has on.”  Only after that did my eyes wander over to the creature (and supposed focal point) of this photo.  And I was like, “Meh” and then looked back at the green woman, who has one of the squarest shapes I’ve ever seen on a female.   And it’s just unfortunate, because with a different top she would look SO MUCH BETTER.

I Have To Say…

…that as far as mugshots go, this one’s pretty awesome:

In case you hadn’t heard, Paris Hilton was arrested last night for cocaine possession. She hired a big fancy lawyer and sprung out of jail without bond, and says the purse the cocaine was in isn’t hers.

Isn’t this like the third time that’s happened in the past couple of months?

Anyway, her mugshot is actually really pretty.  Since this is her third one, she’s had some practice.

No. Sympathy. Whatsoever.

 

BEHOLD: Some total moron who smoked Spice, some legal potpourri concoction, three times a day woke up one day with muscle paralysis in his extremities, and is still in the hospital. He explains in the video that just like every other day before going to sleep, he whipped out his bong, got high on POTPOURRI, and woke up paralyzed. And he seems utterly shocked that anything bad could happen to him from smoking a perfectly legal substance.

Bunny is the one who told me about this story, and she totally laughed at the video. This guy spent TWO THOUSAND DOLLARS on Spice over the course of a couple of months, and to her point, he could have easily gotten some seriously good Actual Marijuana with that kind of money. But in his efforts to stay “legal” – he went with Spice. And now he’s paralyzed and hospitalized.

Here’s the thing. Just because something is legal, doesn’t mean you should put it in a bong and smoke it and assume nothing bad will happen to you. If you do, then you are a moron, and I have no sympathy for you. And Bunny will laugh at you.

Just FYI.

P.S. I’ve got some oregano in my pantry – maybe I should take some over to this dude.

Mornin’!!

And how are you this morning, mockdockers?  Are YOU feeling lucky?

It’s probably kind of startling to the system to see a picture like that first thing.  Please accept my apologies via this armful of kittens:

Here’s How I Know I’m Old.

Tonight is date night for me and Mr. Mock, and it’s now 10.15 and we’re home already, because we’re tired, and we just really like being home. But that’s not the only reason I know I’m old.

It’s an absolutely gorgeous evening here in Indy, and the moon is like, CRAZY big tonight, and it’s one of those kinds of nights where you know you’re going to get the best sleep ever, because it’ll be a chilly night and you can have the windows open. And my parents have our boys, which means we can sleep in super late. We were driving around in the happy car this evening, because it’s a perfect night for that, and I found myself thinking, and then saying out loud, “This is great sleeping weather. I hope none of our neighbors is having some loud party which forces us to close the windows.” And I didn’t stop there. I said, “I hate that. Why do people have to ruin the good sleeping weather for the rest of us?”

And then I sort of giggled, because I realized how old it made me sound to be concerned, hours in advance, about what kind of sleep I was going to get tonight.

I had the whole, “Holy crap we’re old!” conversation with Bunny not long ago, and she totally cracked me up because she said, in response to one of my “Listen how old I am” examples, “You think that’s old? I shook a rake at some kids the other day. I SHOOK A RAKE at them.” The visual of that made me laugh SO HARD.

Anyway, I’m old. But I’ll never be too old to appreciate juvenile humor:

Meanest. Most Hilarious Prank. EVER.

I’m telling you right now, if I would have been the victim of this prank, I would have peed. Right there, on the couch, shamelessly. I feel bad that I giggled at this, because I know how totally terrified I would have been if it had been me. But still, it’s hilarious. 🙂

Now THIS Is Some Serious Multi-Tasking

According to this, some chick in Cincinnati was arrested last week for multi-tasking.

Colondra Hamilton was driving a car with super dark tinted windows, which is what prompted cops to pull her over. And when they approached the car, they found her with her pants unbuttoned, a vibrator in her lap, and laptop in the passenger seat playing a porn movie. She then freely admitted that she was engaging in relations of a solo sexual nature WHILE SHE WAS DRIVING. Only the article calls it “auto erotic manipulation.” Did I mention that her name is COLONDRA?

The cops also found a broken crack pipe in her purse, and she was booked with a count of driving with “impaired alertness.” That’s apparently what they call it now, when you sexually multi-task while driving. IMPAIRED ALERTNESS.

My favorite line of the article is this one: “She was not, however, accused of using the pipe while she was driving and masturbating and watching an X-rated film, the title of which was not released.” HOW MUCH are you dying to know the name of that movie now??

BEHOLD: Colondra and her impaired alertness.

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