Best. Letter. EVER.

I got this in an email today, and thought it was hilarious. It doesn’t even matter if it’s a real letter or not – so no need to get all snope-ariffic on me, because the point is, someone wrote it, and it’s funny.

This is apparently an “actual letter” from an Austin, Texas woman sent to Proctor and Gamble regarding one of their feminine products. This was said to be PC Magazine’s 2009 Editors’ Choice Award-winner for the best letter sent via e-mail.
_____________

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your ‘Always’
maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features.
Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I’d probably never
go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I’d certainly steer clear of
running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings.
Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it
is that maxi pads be aerodynamic I can’t tell you how safe and secure I
feel each month knowing there’s a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? I’m guessing you
haven’t. Well, my time of the month is starting right now. As I type, I can
already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes
from now, my body will adjust and I’ll be transformed into what my
husband likes to call ‘an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.’

Isn’t the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you’ve no doubt seen quite a bit of research
on what exactly happens during your customer’s monthly visits from ‘Aunt
Flo’. Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and
cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and
out-of-control behavior. You surely realize it’s a tough time for most
women.

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just
crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants… Which
brings me to the reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes
of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my
uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive
backing, were these words: ‘Have a Happy Period.’

Are you f—— kidding me? What I
mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think
happiness – actual smiling, laughing happiness, is possible during a
menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit
pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you’re some kind of sick
S&M freak, there will never be anything ‘happy’ about a day in which you
have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in
your house just so you don’t march down to the local Walgreen’s armed
with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of
glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you have to slap a
moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn’t it make more sense to say
something that’s actually pertinent, like ‘Put down the Hammer’ or
‘Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong’.

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective
immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have
chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will
certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your
brand of condescending bullsh!t. And that’s a promise I will keep.

Always. . …

Wendi Aarons
Austin, TX

Happily, my periods were never as bad as this woman describes. But even more happily, I DON’T HAVE A UTERUS ANYMORE.

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  • WakeUp

    Hahahaha! Saw that a while ago and it’s still funny. Had a friend who suggested the message say “At least your not pregnant”, lol.

  • Lori
  • Tina

    I love this! Especially since right now I can totally relate… 🙁

  • JL

    HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • sunnyAZ

    OMG, this is so funny!

  • mga

    that was good…never saw it before.

    here’s quite a few more like it:

    http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/openletters/6always.html

  • http://themockdock.com Punky

    More like, “Put the gun down now!!!” Or “that man’s face is turning purple, you may want to stop choking him!”

  • Dani

    Lori – thanks for the link to her blog…she is hilarious!!

  • R

    I received this as an email about four years ago. I didn’t care if it was true or not—I forwarded it to every woman on my email list (and I only do forwards once or twice a year). I laughed so hard I cried and I STILL love it! Can’t wait to check out her link.