Monthly Archive for September, 2009

Inappropriate.

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Some questions:

1.  What is the chick on our left wearing, exactly?  Is it a miniskirt which has ridden up? Is it a skort that’s just way too small?  And does she NOT FEEL THE BREEZE?

2.  What in the frackety freak is happening right under the skirtular area of the chick on our right?  Is that a subgut?  Or is she in the process of delivering a child in breech position?

WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL?

Botox

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Daisy and I were discussing Botox earlier today, what with us aging and all.  When you get to your late 30s and early 40s, you notice stuff like wrinkles and lines and other stuff on your face that has no business being there, because that stuff belongs on old people.  And we don’t FEEL old.

Anyway, I get the appeal of Botox and fillers and all the other stuff that people do to themselves to get youngified.

But you know what I’ve decided about Botox and Botox related products?  All they really do is make you look like you’ve had Botox.  I mean, does Madonna’s skin look smooth and wrinkle-free?  Yes.  Does she look younger?  No – she looks like she’s about 50 with a really good Botox job.

I think I’ll just age gracefully.

Actually, scratch that.  I think I’ll just age NATURALLY, but with absolutely no grace.

Mock’s “Definition-By-Photo” Of The Day

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Today’s word:  Enabler.

You Wanna See Something Adorable?

Junior Mock gets to have swim therapy twice a week at his school, and he LOVES it.  And for those of you who remember Junior Mock’s challenges , you might be wondering, “How the heck does a kid with absolutely no mobility go swimming?”

Well, I’ll tell you.  They fit him with this neckular contraption – which is like a life vest that fastens around his neck and spans several inches all around him, and he just hangs in the water.  It’s the only time EVER that he can not only relax all of his muscles completely, but also he can move himself with very small arm/leg movements, across the pool.  He gets to be mobile, with no fancy equipment.  And it’s a joy for him.

The first time I saw him dangling in the pool with this contraption, I giggled SO MUCH.  Not just because he looks kinda goofy, but because he gets this hilarious grin on his face whenever he gets to “swim.”  He just loves it.

And remember his bus aide I told you about, who was mostly responsible for the ENORMOUS bouquet of balloons that came for Junior Mock when he was in the hospital?  Well, not only does he ride the bus with Junior Mock everyday, but he also now works in his classroom, and he snapped a few photos for me.  And here is my favorite.  I defy you to look at it and not smile.

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LOVE.

Best. Sign. EVER.

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GOD, I wish I knew where this was.   Any neighborhood where it’s commonplace for people to think passersby would need kid clothes AS MUCH AS monkey clothes, is a place I would like to visit.

Huh.

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You know what?  I almost didn’t notice the dongs, what with her subset of boobs and all.

Your Tuesday Morning Landbeast

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She’s having it her way, you guys.  And she’s lovin’ it.

Um, Octomom – One Of Your Kids Is Getting Elbowed In The Face. Just FYI.

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GOD, I hate this woman.

I mean, yes – clearly her kids are getting totally screwed over from a parental standpoint.  That goes without saying.  But I think the bigger issue here is WHAT IN THE HOLY HELL IS GOING ON WITH THE BOTTOM OF HER FOOT?

Ladies and Gentlemen – I believe we have a fungus among us.

WARNING: This Could Be The Least Informative Mock Dock Post Of All Time

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Apparently, those are some Kardashians, and one of them just got married to someone.  I can’t force myself to care any more than that.  I’m sorry.

Totally off-topic – you know what I did today?  I got to work, and opened up my calendar, and noticed that the very first note-to-self on there was a very cryptic message that read as follows:  “Follow up with SW.”

Now, on first glance, I immediately thought of someone at work who happens to have those initials, but then I remembered that when I originally wrote that note-to-self, I specifically said to myself, “Self – remember when you read this note in a couple of weeks that it has nothing to do with SW (meaning the person with whom those initials are associated).”

But here’s the thing.  I could not, for the life of me, remember what SW stood for.

It wasn’t until lunchtime that all of a sudden, out of the clear blue, it hit me.  SW stood for SHAKEWEIGHT!  And my note to self was a reminder that if I hadn’t received my shakeweight by today, that I should call them to follow up.

This should serve as a lesson that if you ever write a note to yourself, it is helpful to spell stuff out.

Just fyi.

Courtney Love Meets Her Soulmate

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They even kinda look alike.

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