Monthly Archive for May, 2009

Gleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! Behind The Scenes.

I know. Enough with Glee already. But I CANNOT HELP IT. I feel a personal responsibility to throw every last thing I see about this show here on the Mock Dock because that is how much I love it.

I’m a teeeny bit annoyed that the cast seems to be complaining about being overworked, though. Like – do they not realize how fabulous it is that they get to be in show choir even though they are no longer in high school?

You know what they need? They need to add a couple Robbie Williams songs into their repertoire.

Kate Gosselin’s Belly Button Freaks Me Out.

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I’m not saying she doesn’t look good, because she does.  She’s had a lot of surgical help to look good, and obviously TLC has gotten their money’s worth.  I knew someone who got a tummy tuck, and I remember that the weirdest thing I found out about tummy tucks from her is that they have to completely recreate your belly button.  Apparently, they basically cut out a whole bunch of your abdominal skin, including the belly button that used to connect you to your mother, and then they have to make you a new one.  The girl I knew who got one actually was instructed by her plastic surgeon to wear a MARBLE in her newly created belly button – to make sure it stayed open.

That whole thing completely freaked me out, and now that I’m looking at Kate’s belly button, I’m thinking that her surgeon remade hers WAY TOO HIGH.  Kate has absolutely no waist to speak of, so I can’t be totally certain about this, but I think her belly button should be a good 3-4 inches lower than it is. 

Thoughts?

This Is Who Won Britain’s Got Talent

Beating out Susan Boyle – dance troupe Diversity won the show this weekend. And you guys, they are FLAT AWESOME. I have absolutely no idea how a mini-superman appears and then disappears in the middle of this performance, but it doesn’t even matter because the whole thing is just amazing.

LOVE.

Kanye Would Like You To Know He Does Not Read. So He Has Written A Book.

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An alert and astute mockdocker sent me an article about Kanye West’s new book.  And the article is just chock full of quotes from Kanye, confirming our collective suspicions that he is, in fact, a complete chump.

So, Kanye isn’t a fan of literature.  He says, “Sometimes people write novels and they just be so wordy and so self-absorbed. I am not a fan of books. I would never want a book’s autograph. I am a proud non-reader of books. I like to get information from doing stuff like actually talking to people and living real life.”

My favorite part of that is when he accuses OTHER PEOPLE of being self-absorbed.  Priceless.  He believes that being a “proud non-reader” was helpful when writing his book because it gave him a “childlike purity.”  I am not even making that up.  He actually said that.

Anyway, as any self-proclaimed non-reader would do, Kanye has naturally co-written a book.   Although I use the term “book” very very very very loosely. It’s called “Thank You And You’re Welcome.”  It’s 52 pages, and some of those pages are actually blank.  I’m sure that’s just part of his art.  Other pages have just a few words.  And it’s peppered with what Kanye describes as “a collection of thoughts and theories.”  So you know it’s super uber profound.

Case in point.  Two pages are devoted to this philosophical blurb:  “Life is 5% what happens and 95% how you react!”  I don’t know about you, but that is LIFE CHANGING for me.  It’s a wonder I’ve been able to wake up every morning without the benefit of Kanye’s wisdom before now.

 Here’s another gem:  “I feel like to misuse, overuse or abuse someone is negative. To use is necessary and if you can’t be used, then you are useless.”

 Kanye dedicated his book to his late mom, and said, “My mom taught me to believe in my flyness and conquer my shyness.  She raised me to be the voice to allow people to think for themselves, to find their own way.”

Again, I think we should all be thanking our lucky stars that the earth has been blessed with the gift of Kanye.  Without his voice, you see, we would have no ability to think for ourselves or find our own way.

Praise be to Kanye.

(snort)

Worst. Mousetrap. EVER.

I love this mouse. I love that he’s all, “Yeah – I’m going to just go ahead and take all of this food and then leave.” And then I love how the mousetrap is all, “Wait. What? There was a mouse on me? SNAP!!!”

So yesterday I noticed that there is like a colony of chipmunks living beneath my deck. And they’re getting totally fearless – like I’ll be hanging out on the deck and they’ll just come right up on there with me and say, “What’s up” and then run around and make a lot of noise and then go back under the deck. And I told Mr. Mock about this, and he said we’d need to put some poison under there or something. But see – I can’t bear to personally kill something as cute as a chipmunk.

So I’m not sure what’s going to happen. This might be one of those things that Mr. Mock has to do covertly, such that one day, later this summer, I’ll notice that there haven’t been any chipmunks hanging around, and Mr. Mock will tell me that the colony decided to move to a bigger and nicer deck, and I’ll believe him even though there are like 82 chipmunk carcasses under ours.

Or maybe they really WILL just decide that my deck is lame, and they’ll leave on their own. It could happen, right?

No. Fair.

So I was just sitting around thinking about how much I loved that premiere of the show Glee, which got me to reminiscing about show choir, which prompted me to look up show choirs on youtube. And you know what I found? This.

Some show choir in Fairfield, OH got to sing a ROBBIE WILLIAMS song. My show choir never sang anything this cool. You know what we sang? The theme from St Elmo’s Fire and Mack The Knife.

You know what I need to do? Find an show choir for 40 year olds. And I will resume my post as Dance Captain and my choir will sing nothing but Robbie Williams songs. And then Robbie Williams will find out about this choir, and he will be flattered by it, and he will then call me up and say, “You know what, Mock? You deserve a private concert from me once a month, at the location of your choice.” And I will say, “Robbie – for the first month’s concert I choose the foot of my bed, and I would like you to sing nothing but ballads which Mr. Mock and I will snuggle to.” And he will say, “All right then, Mock, but how will I be able to resist getting into bed with you when you are so perfectly gorgeous and awesome?” And I will say, “Robbie – you’re just going to have to control yourself, for God’s sake. I’m a married woman.” And he will say, “How have I lived this long without you in my life?” And I will tell him I have no idea.

I need to look into this choir thing A.S.A.P.

Meantime, you probably ought to watch the awesomeness that is Robbie performing the original song that the Fairfield, OH show choir sang. Because I love him, and it’s almost my birthday, and it’s not that much to ask. Plus, no one makes an entrance like Robbie.

Join Me In A Mock Dock Vow

Well, it’s happened.  That hideous beast of a person, Nadya Suleman, has signed a deal to do a reality show.  Which means that she will be getting rich and more famous and basically live a life of luxury for being one of the most puke-inducing skankopaths ever to walk the earth.

Her attorney fessed up the details to US Magazine after the negotiations were finalized.  He said, “Nadya and the producers are hoping to have an arrangement whereby several events in the children’s lives would be filmed in a documentary series. One of the events in the children’s lives might be their first birthday.  There might be several shows aired during a year. There are all kinds of possibilities. It really depends on what the networks want.”

No network has been decided on just yet – apparently the production company still has to reach a deal with one. 

When asked how much Nadya would be making as part of the deal, her attorny declined to comment on account of “confidentiality.”  But he did make it clear that, “Her television program will not be like the Jon and Kate Plus 8 show. Nadya is looking forward to providing her side of the story.”

Speaking of Jon and Kate, I hate them too.  I hate people who whine and complain about a lack of privacy TO THE VERY CAMERAS that are filming their own stupid tv shows.

You guys, PROMISE ME that you won’t watch Nadya’s show.  Let’s just all make that pact right now.  We can’t contribute to this total social collapse. Ok?

You Know What I Love?

I love it when I get up in the morning, and hop online to see what sorts of stuff I can mock for you guys, and I check my email, and a whole bunch of you have sent me stuff already. It’s like, mocking has become this huge team effort, and instead of just ME mocking stuff, we have become a mocking community – joined together, united in our mockaliciousness. I love this. It’s especially useful when I’m feeling utterly uncreative and kinda sleepy, like I do right now.

One of you alert and astute mockdockers sent me this video, and I think it’s a lesson to all of us that you should NOT IGNORE YOUR DOG. Because your dog will get you back, when you least expect it.

Ho. Lee. Crap.

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this video of a girl who can beatbox really well. And I just don’t understand how people do this. She’s all nonchalant about it, like this is just something that is a natural occurrence in the human species. I can’t even WHISTLE, you guys.

You Guys, My Birthday Is Shaping Up To Be Completely Awesome

For those of you mockdockers who have been around for a long time, you may recall that next month, on my birthday, I will be turning really really really really old.  Like – waaaaay older than I feel.   And it doesn’t matter how many times I hear that 40 is the new 30 – it isn’t.  Forty is freaking ancient and there’s just no getting around that.  And the thing is, when I think of someone who’s 40, I think of an ADULT.  I am in no way, shape, or form an adult.  I’m not entirely sure I ever will be.  I am perpetually immature, which is lucky for you guys seeing as how only someone really immature could run a blog which just mocks stuff.

So yeah – I’m going to be 40.  I’ve been dreading this birthday for pretty much the last 5 years.  And I’ve been extra dreading it lately, because it’s practically HERE.  But listen how awesome yesterday and today were, and how much more awesomeness is on the horizon.

So yesterday, my awesomely fantastic mom calls me to tell me that one of my presents is a FULL WEEK without Junior Mock at night.  Now, you might think it sounds mean that I would be EXCITED about being away from Junior Mock, but I have been so sleep deprived since he came home from the hospital, that the thought of actually getting to sleep for more than 4 hours in a solid block sounds like a total slice of heaven to me.   PLUS, it means a week’s worth of evenings to spend with Mini-Mock, and we can actually go out and do all sorts of fun stuff.  See – Junior Mock has to ride in a wheelchair van, which only fits two adults and him – there is no room for Mini-Mock in it.  So anytime we want to go somewhere as a family, we have to take two cars. And if Mr. Mock is traveling, which he does a great deal, then I am basically a prisoner in my home, because I don’t have a way of transporting both kids together.  Unfortunately, this means Mini-Mock doesn’t get to go out and do as much stuff as I’d like for him to get to do.  But next week?  When Junior is staying with Grandma and Grandpa Mock?  Mini-Mock and I are going to PARTAY!!!  And then we will come home and sleep aaaaaaall night long.  I cannot tell you how excited I am about this present.

And you know what else happened yesterday?  I got an email from alert and astute mockdocker Sarah, who sent me photos of her trip to a fabulous exotic petting zoo in northern Michigan, where she got to hold and feed and snuggle with baby bears, and tigers, and kangas, and deer, and raccoons, and foxes, and groundhogs, and monkeys and countless other precious creatures ALL IN ONE PLACE.   I mean, it was like my meerkat and wallaby experience times a million.  And so I told Daisy that what I wanted for my birthday was for us to go to that zoo sometime this summer.  And Daisy, because she’s crazy about animals too,  said yes!  So we’re just working on figuring out a date.  LOOK at these pictures, you guys – and this is just a small sampling from Sarah’s collection.

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So then TODAY, my mom told me that my big birthday present (as if a week of sleep wasn’t enough already!) was an overnight stay in THIS HOTEL:

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And not only that, but it’s a girlfriend trip.  I get to take Daisy with me, and we’re going to get manicures and martinis – all expenses paid.  And we’re going to go horseback riding and explore the beautiful grounds of the resort and just in general act like we’ve stepped right out of the Sex And The City movie.   I cannot WAIT.  I mean – LOOK at that place, you guys.

But there’s even MORE.  For awhile now, Mr. Mock has promised that for my 40th birthday, we’re going to go somewhere fabulous.  We’re going to do that the first week of December, but I don’t get to find out WHERE we’re going until the actual day of my birthday.  All I know is that it’s beachy and warm and fabulous.

So between my trip with Mr. Mock, and my girlfriend trip to the fabulous resort with Daisy, and my zoo trip with Daisy, I am pretty much assured of having the most awesome birthday on record.  Even if that stuff isn’t happening right on my birthday.

Maybe 40 isn’t going to be so bad after all! :)

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