Monthly Archive for February, 2009

Sometimes Multi-Tasking Is A Bad Idea

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me an AP article about an Ohio woman who has just been charged with child endangerment because (thankfully) an alert and astute motorist saw that she was both talking on the phone and BREASTFEEDING A CHILD while driving, and called the police.

Yeah.  But see, Genine Compton, 39, had a really good explanation.  She didn’t want to let her child go hungry.  This is what she told the cop.  The kid was hungry.

I don’t understand how cops can resist punching people in the face when they hear crap like this.  Apparently Genine actually thought she was being pulled over for breastfeeding in public.  She didn’t get that there was anything remotely wrong or dangerous about driving at speed with a child drinking from your breastular area.   While on the phone.

The worst that can happen to her is 180 days in jail and an $1,800 fine if she’s convicted of the misdemeanor.  I think her child should be given to Salma Hayek, who is obviously capable of filling in while Genine serves time.

You Know What I Love?

I love how itty bitty kids are such parrots.  I mean, at times that can be totally embarrassing, but mostly it’s just hilarious.  Having a three year old has required that Mr. Mock and I censor ourselves somewhat, lest Mini-Mock picks up naughty words prematurely.  This is much easier for me than for Mr. Mock, incidentally.

Anyway, one of the joys of parenting a parrot is that you can tell your parrot to say anything you want, and they will happily repeat it as often as you ask them to.  I LOVE this.  Bunny was over recently, and we were eating pizza, and we were discussing the deliciousness of pizza and trying to imagine what sort of person wouldn’t like pizza, and Mini-Mock chimed in and said, “Who doesn’t like pizza?”  And Bunny looked at Mini-Mock, and said to him gravely, “Pinko Commies don’t like pizza.  Say it, Mini-Mock.  Pinko Commies don’t like pizza.”

And now, whenever you ask Mini-Mock who doesn’t like pizza, he says gleefully, “PINKO COMMIES!”

LOVE.

Have you tried this with your little parrots?

HAAAAAAAAAAATE.

According to this,  Octomom Nadya Suleman has rejected an offer made by a non-profit group to provide round-the-clock nursing care to her 14 kids.  The offer also included a home in which she and her entire family could live together.  

Gloria Allred, who represents the group Angels in Waiting and who I usually can’t stand, claims that Nadya seemed much more interested in essentially pimping out her babies and doing a reality tv show.  A representative for Angels In Waiting would not agree to supporting a reality show because of the possible infections the babies could contract from having so many other people and cameras in the home.  So Nadya REJECTED THE OFFER.

So see?  She asked for this group to offer a reality show, they said it’s not good for the babies, and so Nadya naturally said no.   Just like any good mom would.  I mean, any good mom knows that the key to parenting is whoring out your kids and making a profit off of them, while at the same time robbing the taxpayers blind. 

Is there a word stronger than “hate” that I can start using about my feelings about her?  Suggestions?

LOVE.

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Hey – remember like 16 years ago when I posted about Ashley Judd co-starring in a movie called Crossing Over?  Well, I guess that movie is just now finally coming out, and I just read a review about it.  And you know what I love?  I love this line from the review:

The legal side of the equation is represented by Ashley Judd, playing a pro bono immigration defense lawyer who is smug and self-satisfied even without the gold-plated Africa-shaped necklace she wears for the entire film.”

You realize, of course, that this means that Ashley Judd has lost any ability she may have once had to actually ACT, because this is precisely how I would describe her in real life.  Smug and self-satisfied.

LOVE.

Great News!

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Lady Gaga has plans to start her own fashion line

I’ve seen 90-year-olds dress in more fashionable outfits to although she could probably fit enough bingo blotters in that purse to blot the whole color spectrum). But yeah, Lady Gaga has plans to start her own fashion line.

Because look at her, you guys.  CLEARLY she should start a fashion line.  And maybe she’ll design underwear with the tampon string already attached too. Perhaps that will be the piece de resistance.

At least the line should be relatively inexpensive, seeing as how there will be very little fabric used.

Gender Confusion

Did you ever look at a photo and think, “Wow.  That person is really genderularly confused?”  And maybe you didn’t think it in precisely that terminology, but you thought something along those lines?

That’s kinda how I felt when I saw this:

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I had that same thought years ago when I saw this too:

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Remember when John Travolta wasn’t a crazy Scientologist and chose instead to entertain us by wearing nothing but baby oil and rags?

Good times.

Nadya Suleman Talks To Jimmy Kimmel

Enjoy.

OF COURSE They’re Back Together

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Because who WOULDN’T want to be with someone that beats the crap out of them? 

Sigh.  Why do women do this?

And, according to People Magazine, they’re hanging out in ONE OF Sean Puffy Diddly Do Wop Combs’  houses.  You know, because where ELSE would you go if you’re reconciling with a guy who beats the crap out of you?

It makes perfect sense.

ATTENTION MOCKDOCKERS!

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I have an important announcement to share with all of you!

You may have noticed, like I have, that whenever I post something related to politics, that people FLIP THE FREAK OUT in the comments.  And I mean that in a good way.  It’s obvious that you have strong political feelings, and you know I do as well.  But after reviewing the results of the recent mockdock surveys, and taking into account the reasons you all visit The Mock Dock in the first place, I’ve decided that perhaps this isn’t the best place for those politically-driven posts.

So guess what!  I, along with alert and astute mockdocker Daisy, am excited to announce the launch of a new website we’ve started together. This website will be my outlet for ranting about the state of the union, and so those of you who enjoy my rants can come visit, and those of you who hate my rants can just stay here.  And those of you who hate my rants but want to post comments about them anyway because you like to fight with me are also welcome to visit the new site.

LET ME BE VERY CLEAR.  The Mock Dock isn’t going anywhere.  It’s going to keep on chugging along and I’m going to continue to mock all the same stuff you’re accustomed to me mocking.  And you never know, I might not be able to contain myself and I may throw a political post on here now and then just to watch everyone FLIP THE FREAK OUT again.  But our new website will be specifically devoted to politics – the lighter, mockier side of politics, but politics nonetheless. 

You know what I’ve learned from posting political stuff here? It’s just not “hip” to be a conservative anymore. So, of course the liberals elected themselves a rock-star. The alternative was the stereotypical stodgy-old white guy. Daisy and I believe that the conservative movement needs to break through that stereotype, jump into this century, and get its collective butt in gear from a technological and public relations standpoint.  Starting our new website is the only way we know how to help compete with the media’s deification of our new rockstar President.  We conservatives AREN’T all country-music-blaring, heat-packing, bible-thumping, rich WASPs with trust funds. And we think there are others out there like us – stiletto and Sephora-wearing chicks (and guys who love them) who believe in a healthy respect for government while understanding that it’s the people who are the only ones who should be responsible for giving strength to our government.

So here’s the thing. We have decided to do our part to help re-brand the conservative party by launching our new site which will freely poke fun at the political process and all of its related people and parts. Because you know me – no matter what, I’m all about the mockery. 

Mockdockers – whether you’re a liberal or conservative or anything in between, you are welcome to visit:

 http://chicksontheright.com!!!

I now return you to your regularly scheduled mocking.

One Way To Die Happy

An alert and astute mockdocker sent me a link to an interesting news story today, about a Russian dude who won a bet against two women who said they’d give him $4300 if he could satisfy them in a half-day sex romp.

Sergey Tuganov, 28, won the wager and then within minutes, DIED of a heart attack, reportedly from the full bottle of viagra he’d taken for the event.

I can think of worse ways to die, but just in case any of our male readers were thinking about trying this at home…

Don’t.

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