Monthly Archive for January, 2009

Paul Rudd + Michael Cera + Jack Black + That Other Dude From Arrested Development = Awesomeness.

Year One. New comedy coming out. Must see. LOVE.

Still Loving Wii Tennis!

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I’m happy to report that I am still loving my Wii, and have been playing Wii tennis at least 5 times a week.   I’m also happy to report that I don’t believe I make these kinds of faces when I play, but then again I can’t really be certain of that since, as of yet, I have not been photographed while I play.

Anyway, for those of you who have Wii tennis, you’ll appreciate that I’m in the 700 point range, which is just 300 points shy of being considered “pro.”  What the Wii makers probably didn’t anticipate is the false sense of sports aptitude that people could develop as a result of playing these games.  For instance, I could easily convince myself that due to my almost-pro-ness at Wii tennis, I could be a good tennis player in actual life.  Mr. Mock doesn’t hesitate to point out that this is far from the truth and that I would probably suck at actual tennis.  I know he’s right, but it’s very easy to get all full of yourself when you beat the computer generated opponents who have well over 1000 points.

Mr. Mock is super super good at Wii tennis.  He’s got over 1200 points I think.  He’s such a show-off.

Can you guys recommend some other good sports games?  ARE there other good sports games?  I’m totally not into any kind of war games or dungeons and dragons types of games.  I just want stuff that feels like exercise.  Suggestions?

Just What I Always Wanted!

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I know.  I have no idea either.

Did you guys ever have the doll baby that would drink and eat and then pee and poop and you could change its diaper and that was supposed to be the coolest doll ever for little girls?  I totally had that doll.  I don’t remember what it was called now, but it was something along the lines of Real Life Baby, or Poop-and-Pee-Baby or something like that.  And I remember saving up my itty bitty allowance and finally being able to go buy that doll, and thinking how cool it was that I had my own baby to feed and diaper.  Why this was fun for me – I have no idea.

But you know what always creeped me out? That doll that was just a head on a tray that you were supposed to use to practice hair styles and makeup on.  Eeew.  I never wanted that creepy doll head.  Plus, I was far too busy with my Charlie’s Angels Deluxe Hideout Set, as you may recall.

One thing I’m pretty convinced I never wanted though, was a doll who I could shave.

Yyyyyyyyyyeah.

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Remember the other day when I posted about the chick who just had octuplets?  And about how I hoped that she and her husband were nice, normal, decent people?

Yeah.  They’re not.  First because there IS no husband.  This chick has had all 14 of her kids through in-vitro fertilization.  According to this, she has been obsessed with having children since she was a teenager.

The grandmother in this story, mom to crazy litter-having lady, told the AP that she wasn’t supportive when her crazy litter-having daughter decided to have more embryos implanted into her uterine area last year.  And now, while crazy litter-having lady recovers from emptying her uterine area of eight babies, the other six siblings are being cared for by grandma.  Grandma says that she warned her daughter that when she gets home from the hospital, she’s on her own. 

You realize what that means, don’t you, mockdockers?  Welcome to helping pay for crazy litter-having lady’s kids.

This Girl’s Got Big Dreams. REEEEALLY Big.

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An alert and astute mockdocker sent me this article and accompanying photo about Sheyla Hershey, who apparently has the largest implants in the entire world.  They are a size 38KKK, which is a size that I wasn’t even aware existed until now.  Sheyla is 28, and has been through nine operations to reach her current size, even though she’s been warned by medical professionals that her boobs could explode at any moment. 

Her last surgery was in Brazil, since she couldn’t find any US doctors willing to increase the size of her breastular area any further.  That actually surprised me, considering how much bad plastic surgery you see in Hollywood nowadays.  I mean, couldn’t she have gone to, say, Priscilla Presley’s surgeon?

Anyway, Sheyla’s ex-boyfriend apparently paid for her first enhancement, but then they broke up after he begged her to stop it already.   And you know what she said?  This is my favorite.  She said, “I loved him very much but I had to leave him to follow my dream.”

Aim high, Sheyla.  Aim high.

Open Letter To Jessica Simpson

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Dear Jessica:

Please stop wearing so much stuff around your waistular area.  First the extra belts, and now…this?  What is that – a cummerbund? 

Sincerely,

Mockarena

p.s.  Leather leggings do not look good on anyone.

One Of These Things Is Not Like The Others

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It’s pretty sad that the person in this photo who most closely resembles an actual human female is Tori Spelling’s husband.  Even with the beard, he still looks more naturally feminine than either of those other surgical nightmares.

I Am Angry At Barnes And Noble And Borders Bookstores

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So Mr. Mock and I just returned home from our standard Friday night date.  There was no way I was going to make it through a movie tonight, because I have caught the funk that Mini-Mock and Junior-Mock had last week, and after two glasses of wine at dinner you guys are lucky I’m even coherent enough to type this post.  (Or unlucky, as the case may be.)  Anyway, after dinner we stopped at Barnes and Noble, and as I browsed through the aisles, I thought to myself, “Self – you know what you should do?  You should go to the Z aisle, hover by the Laura Zigman books, and then loudly and proudly proclaim to anyone who passes that you have a blog which is read and liked by Laura Zigman, author of four novels.”

So off I went towards the Z’s.  And you know what I found?  NOT A SINGLE LAURA ZIGMAN NOVEL.  I immediately took this up with the information desk.  The conversation went something like this:

Me:  Greetings and Salutations, information desk person.

IDP:  How can I help you?

Me:  Where are the rest of the works of fiction whose authors’ names start with Z?

IDP:  (looking confused)  All of the Z’s are right over there (pointing to the aisle where I just made my unfortunate discovery).

Me:  Are you aware that you have NO Laura Zigman novels there?

IDP:  Let me check my system (self-importantly types and manuevers mouse).  Hmm.  Yes – we appear to currently not be carrying any of her titles.  We’d be happy to order something for you.

Me:  That won’t be necessary; however, it would behoove you to carry her books, since there are four of them, and she’s one of the most important literary figures of our time.

IDP: (Looking annoyed) Yeah.

You’ll notice I refrained from plugging The Mock Dock.  But it was ALL I COULD DO not to mention it.

So Mr. Mock, being awesome, says, “Why don’t we head over to Borders?”  So off we went, and you guys – the exact same thing happened at Borders.

Laura – if you are reading this, you need to have your manager or publicist or whatever it is that famous authors of four novels have to take care of injustices such as these –  IMMEDIATELY lodge a complaint with both bookstores.  To save your people the trouble of having to craft the letters, I’ve taken the liberty of drafting one for them here:

Dear Barnes and Noble/Borders:

It is with deep disappointment and sadness that I must report to you that the ever alert and astute Mockarena, of www.themockdock.com, made a discovery recently that is soon to send shockwaves through the mockdocking community.  Laura Zigman’s titles are missing from your shelves.

I would hope that it goes without saying that this is a situation which must be dealt with swiftly and expeditiously.  A letter from our counsel will shortly follow. 

Regards,

Manager/Publicist Person

p.s.  You should really check out www.themockdock.com

FOURTEEN.

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Hey – did you guys hear about the couple who just had octuplets?   OMG.  They already have a zillion kids, and they live in this house, apparently.

According to this, she’s already got  six other little kids!  And they are all younger than 8 years old.  So just think about that.  This woman is now responsible for raising FOURTEEN KIDS who are all under the age of 8, and 8 of which are BRAND NEW BABIES.  Mr. Mock told me the other day that he heard she intended to BREASTFEED.  Whaaaaa?  In God’s name, HOW?

It gets even more amazing.  The father?  On his way back to Iraq to continue his work as a contractor there.  Yeah.  So while he’ll be contributing to the family’s income, he obviously won’t be helping during night feedings.  Or day feedings for that matter.  Or any of the round-the-clock feedings which will be taking place.

Not a lot is known about the parents, but I hope that they are decent, loving, NORMAL people who just happen to be having a lot of kids.  We need decent, loving NORMAL people to have kids to balance out the moronic, abusive craptards who for some reason seem most fertile when they’re either using drugs or prostituting themselves.  Have you noticed that?  It’s like I’ve told my decent, loving, normal friends who’ve had fertility issues.  If you just stand on a street corner and sell your body and get addicted to some really bad drugs, and get on welfare to boot, you’ll get pregnant in no time.

Ginormous Snake

LOOK at the size of this thing. And watch all the way to the end. Ho. Lee. Crap.

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