Any guesses about what this dude’s favorite websites are?
Monthly Archive for October, 2008
I hate hate hate hate Mariah Carey so much. She and her husband dressed up like a slutty firefighter and a firefighter, respectively, for Halloween. You know what she needs, besides like 42 pounds of oil control powder? A punch in the face.
You know what else I hate? I hate that halloween costume stores are FILLED with slutty versions of almost every profession, and only slightly stocked with regular versions of professions. You can be a slutty nurse, or a slutty pilot, or apparently, a slutty firefighter, but if you want to just look like an ACTUAL nurse or pilot or firefighter, you’re basically SOL. This is why I wore a nun costume this year. Because it’s kinda hard to sluttify a nun, plus you can eat a lot and not worry about having to hold your stomach in. So win-win.
Canker sores. I have one of those annoying, sting-y, little owies inside my lower gumline. The kind that you are sort of able to forget about until you eat, like, an orange or something, and are suddenly plunged into a big ole vat of pain.
You know what Mr. Mock does when he gets a canker sore? He BITES IT OFF. That’s how much of a badass he is. He’s always telling me to do that, but I can’t because a) I’m too much of a wuss and b) I rather enjoy whimpering about it and having him pay sympathetic attention to me.
You know what will totally make me forget all about my canker sore? The fact that Daisy and I are leaving Sunday for a girl trip to Chicago! AND we’re even taking Monday off so that we can stay a night and then shop and eat our collective assular areas off. It’s going to be fantabulous.
So – you’re probably wondering why there’s a baby meerkat attached to this post. Let me just say this: I searched for an appopriate picture that would go along with the canker sore theme, and nearly lost my lunch over what came up on my screen. I figured it’s Halloween, and you guys deserved something not awful to look at. So Happy Halloween!
BEHOLD: Priscilla Presley. This is what she looks like when she is caught by surprise. This is also what she looks like when she’s happy, sad, furious, terrified, confused, and sleeping.
You know what I’ve realized about plastic surgery like this? If the sole purpose of it is to not have people be able to tell how old you are, it totally works. I have no clue how old Priscilla Presley is just by looking at her. But the problem is, when you look like this, people don’t say, “Wow – she looks fabulous.” They just say, “Wow – that chick has had a lot of plastic surgery.”
This is a woman who INSISTS she’s had no work done to her face. But look at her. There is NO WAY she’s botox free. This isn’t about just retouching or airbrushing or even the normal aging process, this is about her not being able to smile normally anymore. This is about her having Meg Ryan lips. This is about her looking more and more like an alien.
Look how pretty she used to be back in the day.
Was it worse than this? Because this is pure terror perskankified.
But even as skankalicious as these are, their whoridness PALES in comparison to the bride’s “gown.” Check it out, after the jump.
I think Nicky Hilton has eaten a couple of sandwiches!
Question. WHY do women wear these kinds of bikini tops? These flatter NO ONE, no matter what your boobular area looks like. If you have boobs, they just get mashed into oblivion, and if you don’t have boobs, this kind of top accentuates your lack of boobage.
I don’t get it.
I’m going to assume that this is a Halloween outfit of some sort, because if it isn’t, I think it’s time for us to all be genuinely somewhat concerned over Katie Holmes’ health. She looks like DEATH. I mean, if that’s the look she’s GOING for, and is just throwing the bright orange purse in the mix as a Halloween topper, then job well done, Katie. Your death look is extremely believable.
…I give you Chloe Lattanzi, whose mom is the completely gorgeous Olivia Newton-John. I’m too lazy to look up who her dad is, but I’m guessing she got her looks from him.
You know what I don’t get? I don’t get women who are rail thin who get fake boobs. Women who are fit and of a normal weight? Ok. I get that. But Chloe Lattanzi’s boobs are like, 17 feet away from each other and sitting on top of protruding bone. Eeew.
Remember when I posted her singing? You guys should listen to it, if you’re new here. It’s joyously painful. Click here for the terrible awesomeness!
You guys – an alert and astute mockdocker sent me a very very very very very disturbing photo of someone that is the most opposite of landbeast that you can imagine. I’m putting it after the jump, because you deserve fair warning before looking at it.
But here is your assignment. Find out if this is real and report back to me. I know nothing of photoshop as you know, so can’t tell when I’m being fooled by photo magic. But I’m WILLING this to be photoshopped, because if it’s not, I don’t know how I will ever recover from knowing that such a person is walking around and seemingly EXERCISING.
Again, remember – you cannot un-see this.