Monthly Archive for September, 2008

Page 2 of 13

Boo.

Paul Newman has died at 83. Totally sniffly over this montage of photos of him and Joanne Woodward. Waaaaah!!!!

p.s. He was a total hottie.

Please. Stop. Talking.

Normally I wouldn’t post a video of Ashley looking nice (which, as much as it pains me to say it, she does here), but I couldn’t resist with this one. In it, she says that McCain has a “zero voting record AGAINST women’s privacy and reproductive health” and “Senator Obama has a 100 percent voting record FOR women’s privacy and reproductive health.” Now, I’m not going to rip on her for mis-speaking and making it sound like they have the exact same voting record (although that’s exactly what she did), because I know what she was trying to say, but I will FREELY AND HAPPILY rip on her for mispronouncing Palin’s name. Gawd.

Also, I’m not at all wanting to get into any sort of abortion debate, but let’s be real here. When she says, “Women’s privacy and reproductive health” she is actually saying “The ability for underage girls to abort their babies without parental consent.” Why sugarcoat and try to make it sound like something it isn’t? That is exactly the voting record she’s referring to.

HATE HATE HATE.

In an extended version of the same video, she says that in order to improve the way men in the Democratic Republic of Congo think about women, that she thinks there should be campaign to send, to mens’ cell phones, text messages to introduce positive behavior-change. I am not making this up.

Yeah – that’ll help. I’m sure if some dude in the Congo thinks women are objects, a text message saying “Women are awesome!” will turn him right around. Great idea, Ash.

LOOK AT THEIR OUTFITS

David and Victoria Beckham are two of the most ridiculous people on the planet, but I LOVE them so much.  Look at his stupid suit, and LOOK AT HER SHOES.  She has to be on her tippiest tippiest toes to even be standing upright in those.  And I can’t really tell if those are actually boots that go hip-high, or if they’re shoes that are only ankle-high and then she’s got some sort of leather legging going on, but regardless, they are ABSURD.  I hope there’s video uncovered which shows her walking in those.

I mean, seriously.  Look at the position her feet are being forced to be in.  How long can she possibly pull that off without risking serious footular damage?

I love them.  LOVE.

Reason #5829 To Love Family Guy

Mr. Mock and I had the 7pm rerun episode of Family Guy on this evening, and I was semi-paying attention to it while Mr. Mock was totally paying attention to it, and all of a sudden he says, “MOCK – LOOK!” and he hits the DVR to “pause” and you know what was on the screen, as a scene segue, smack dab in the middle of the Family Guy episode?  THIS:

 

I made Mr. Mock keep the TV frozen until I could snap a photo of it, especially to share with all of you.  This photo is in no way altered.  Family Guy clearly hates Ashley Judd as much as we do!

Amy Winehouse Monthly Update

She’s still alive.

You know what I’m starting to think?  That she might actually be a superhero.  There is simply no other explanation for someone who mistreats themselves this badly to still be alive.

Mini-Me Has A New Skank

Verne Troyer has found a new girl who wants to be famous friend.  Next up?  Sex tape, followed by melodramatic break-up and lawsuit, followed by exclusive interview requests which pay her a lot of money.

All in a day’s work.

My First Public Attempt At Sports Analysis

When I met Mr. Mock, here’s approximately the sum total of what I knew to be factually true about football:

1.  They use a ball that is not round.

That’s really about it.

In fact, I used to think football was really awful to watch, because of the lack of continuity.  I favored fast-paced sports like basketball, and thought football was just painfully slow, mostly because I had NO CLUE what was going on.

For the decade we’ve been together though, Mr. Mock has patiently encouraged me to pick up bits of football-related information by simply exposing it to me at every available opportunity.  He is a HUGE college football fan, and most especially passionate about his beloved Dawgs.  So the arrival of fall, for him, makes him giddy.  Through some osmosis and tireless instruction on Mr. Mock’s part, I have come to sort of understand football.  Often, I have to admit, I Actually Like It. 

SO – the more I’ve learned, the more show-offy I have become about it.  Case in point:  this morning, Mr. Mock was all gleeful that USC lost, because it means that his Bulldogs will likely be ranked 1st in the nation again.  So he was happily talking about what this might mean for the national championship, and how exciting this weekend’s game with UGA and Alabama was going to be, when it occured to me to ask this very astute question:

“So, is it possible for two SEC teams to play each other in the National Championship Game?”

Now, for those of you who are long-time followers of college football and understand the whole BCS system, you might think that was a silly question.  But considering the level of understanding I had initially, you have to have an appreciation for how far I’ve come. 

Mr. Mock always gets really excited when it seems like I might have either a) a genuine interest in or b) an actual comprehension of football.  So he very animatedly said, “NO!  That’s just it!!  There’s a rule about how two same-conference teams can’t play each other!  AND, some conferences don’t even have CONFERENCE championships, because they’re totally lame and it makes it easier for them to go to the National Championship that way!”

So I said, “Well, that’s just stupid. Why is that a rule?”  And Mr. Mock said, “Because they don’t think it’d be fair otherwise.” And I said, all-knowingly, “But it IS fair.  Everyone gets a chance to play and be good.  If they’re not as good as other teams, then they shouldn’t go to the championship game.  If two SEC teams happen to be the top two teams in the nation, then they oughta play EACH OTHER in the championship game.”

I thought Mr. Mock would die of happiness right then and there.  You should have seen the pride on his face.  It was as if I had just come up with cure for cancer.  And you have to realize, I let loose with that insightful bit of football analysis at like SIX IN THE MORNING.  I am generally unable to even spell my own name until at least 6.30.

Anyway, I’m feeling like I’m kind of a big deal this morning, what with my astute analysis and all. Next, I will tackle (hee! see what I did there?) the entire BCS system.  I AM UNSTOPPABLE NOW.

Indulge Me, If You Will, In One More Gayken Post

Clay was interviewed by Diane Sawyer, who I normally think is ok, but in this particular interview she seems completely hell-bent on trying to point out, over and over, how sad and painful Clay’s whole coming out experience has to have been, even though he couldn’t be more happy-go-lucky about it. The look on her face the entire time is one of immense pity, and it kind of makes me want to punch her in the face.

BUT you guys – there are fleeting clips of that precious new baby of his, and I swear to you that aside from my own boys, he could be one of the cutest babies ever. I totally want to smother him. And not in the bad kind of suffocating way – but the good way – where you cuddle and sort of inhale a baby all at the same time. He is SO CUTE.

Anyone who ever thought Clay wasn’t gay, as we’ve already discussed, has to have some sort of medically certifiable delusion disorder of some kind. And I’m not begrudging Clay his gayness – I’m totally happy for him to be all kinds of gay. Mr. Mock, as he himself would probably admit, is a bit of a homophobe. And not like a mean one – where he would ever be unkind to a gay person or not be friends with a gay person. Mr. Mock is kind and friendly to pretty much everyone. But Mr. Mock, I have to tell you, would be pretty disappointed if Mini-Mock turned out gay. I’m of the opinion that there would be FAR WORSE THINGS than Mini-Mock being gay, but it ranks right up there on the list of things Mr. Mock would like Mini-Mock to avoid being.

Anyway, you may recall me telling you that Mini-Mock isn’t yet 3, but ever since he was old enough to hold onto a toy, Mr. Mock has been closely watching him for any signs of preliminary gaiety. I thought it was kind of hilarious when Mini-Mock tried on my heels, and Mr. Mock fretted about his newfound cross-dressing habits. I giggled everytime Mini-Mock said, “PINK!!” instead of “CHEESE!” when posing for the camera (still no idea where that came from), and Mr. Mock worried that his interest in such a girly color was unequivocal evidence of his emerging gayitocity.

We’ve got a lot of years before we’ll know where Mini-Mock falls on the gay/non-gay spectrum, but I guarantee you that if he DOES turn out gay, I’ll figure it out a lot quicker than Clay’s mom did.

CAN. NOT. WAIT.

Do you guys remember the VH1 show The Pick-Up Artist from awhile back? IT’s BAAAAAACK!!!

Season Two promises to be every bit as ridiculous as Season 1, and joining Mystery will be his main “wingman” Matador, along with the skank they used last season to help train the losers how to kiss girls using peaches.  I CANNOT WAIT for this. 

VH1 says that this season will be even MORE INTENSE than ever, with the socially challenged contestants being thrust into such dangerous territories as local supermarkets, auctions, and various nightclubs with hidden cameras.  At the end of it all, in addition to having the incredibly sought-after Mystery Medallions (GAY!), the winner will have bestowed upon him the ever-coveted title of Master Pick-Up Artist and a cool 50k. 

Set your tivos, folks – October 12 at 10pm!

GUESS WHAT I DID TONIGHT!!!

I am pleased to inform you all that I made dinner for my family this evening.  For longtime readers and those who know me well, you realize that this is Really Big News. 

Now, I didn’t do anything spectacular.  I consulted with several people and decided that I was going to make a Tater Tot Casserole, which involved not only browning meat but CHOPPING AN ONION.  I’m serious you guys – I chopped an onion ALL BY MYSELF.  I even stopped at the grocery store beforehand and hand selected the onion.  (By the way, I have no idea if I should have gotten a white onion or a yellow onion – I picked white, just for the record).  Anyway, the rest of the preparation was stuff I felt competent doing – like mixing stuff in a pan and then putting that stuff in the oven for awhile.  That seemed pretty straightforward.

I thought the end result was totally tasty, and Mr. Mock claimed he did as well, although I noticed he added a ton of pepper and ketchup to it, so he could have totally hated it and just been humoring me, so as not to discourage future cooking attempts.

But here’s the thing.  Mini-Mock is not yet 3, so he doesn’t have that all-important skill of Pretending To Like Something When You Really Don’t So That You Don’t Hurt Someone’s Feelings.  Mini-Mock put a forkful of Tater Tot Casserole into his hungry little mouth, chewed a little, and then made a face that looked kind of like he wanted to throw up, and kind of like he wanted to cry all at the same time.  And then he just sort of held the bite in his mouth and looked pleadingly at Mr. Mock, as if to say, “Daddy – for the love of God how could you let this happen to me?”

And, right after this pitiful look, he managed to move the bite into his inner cheek and say, “Mommy, I want to spit it out.”

This made me feel just FABULOUS about my effort, as you can imagine. 

I’m not saying I’m never going to cook again.  I’m just saying that I didn’t receive the kind of accolades I was hoping for.  I’ll try again someday, because I’m crazy about Mr. Mock, but I will NOT chop an onion.  I’m drawing the line.

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