Monthly Archive for August, 2008

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Umm…Is That Some Sort Of Lesion?

I know there’s a lot going on in this picture, but what the hell is on her chestular area? Do you see that sort of white lesion-y thing?  I realize the armpit hair is distracting, but see if you can tell what that is.

Also, is this a pregnant belly?  Because Oh. My. God.  if it is.  Look at the belly buttonular area.  Look at how it’s less of a belly button than it is a large crater.   And are those stretch marks?   

And the hair? Whaaaa?  I can’t tell if it’s a mullet or if there are longer strands on top that are just sort of fuzzy. 

Someone please explain this whole photo.

This Picture Makes Me Giggle SO MUCH

I don’t know what it is, but I find this completely hilarious.  You know Frasier just totally looked at Aretha’s boobs, and is wondering to himself, “How the hell does she not require additional seating for those things.”

Something about the two of them sitting next to each other is so ridiculous to me.  What is that hat?  And how many pounds of make-up are actually ON her?

Sarah Who?

So McCain has chosen Sarah Palin as his running mate.  I don’t know enough about her yet to decide if I’m on board or mortified, except that she appears to have a huge aversion to normal kid names.  Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow and Piper are the names of her children.  I am not making this up.  Those aren’t nicknames – those are their actual names.  What the hell??

So McCain has either just completely screwed up, or he’s BRILLIANT.  Too early to tell for me.  I like a whole lot of stuff about her, but she’s even less experienced than Obama, who is like, totally pubescent politically.  If she’s half as good at melodramatic speeches as Obama is though, McCain could have a real shot at winning this thing.

Ohhh, the drama.  LOVE.

The Aufschneider’s are Hittin’ the Road

So, remember how my life is completely changing (for the good) and Mr. A and I are completely changing careers, schedules, homes, etc.? Yeahhh…it’s a lot right now. Not to get too personal here on a snark-site, but seriously, I have cried/laughed/cry-laughed/craughed literally HUNDREDS of times this week. Just to give you an idea of the insanity this is my life right now, I am sitting in a van headed to Michigan on a planned family vaca, driving nine hours away from an existence that currently includes leasing two apartments simultaneously (as of yesterday), with new graduate school classes looming next Wednesday, with a husband who is now awaiting Firemen Academy and meeting a gaggle of new brothers next Tuesday. Meanwhile, we will be moving over the next two or three weeks to a different side of town we know nothing about while trying to start the process of applying for a first mortgage and finding a house.

Sighhhhhh…(I’m craughing again)…

So, as this vacation is needed and timely, it is hard to drop everything and run…well…drive.

Anywhoo…here is some snark to finish this post. The Aufschneider gang is headed to that little tip between the “Mich” and the “Igan” parts of the state above. There is a loooooooooooooooooong bridge that connects them and our family will be WALKING ACROSS it come Labor Day. It will be our third year at such event. And, as you know, large events mean only one thing. People to mock. 🙂 Just look at what I found last year: see here. I will have camera in hand, and will have a full report.

Ashley Judd Continues To Love Talking About Herself

If you’d like to hear Ashley Judd blather on about “her people” and her travels and who she gets to sit next to at the convention and the movie role she wants to steal from Julia Roberts and a little political stuff too, then by all means, check out the clip above. If you’d like to keep breakfast down, skip it.

Joel Has A Boyfriend!

I think I have officially added Joel McHale to my island list. And it’s not that he’s particularly attractive – it’s that he mocks. Provided that we were stranded on an island which got regular deliveries of US Weekly, I think we would have the best fun ever!

BEHOLD: Mocking the supremely mockable Spencer Pratt. You might have to turn the sound down though…because it’s Heidi’s song. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

Mockarena’s Tip O’ The Day

Hey, here’s an idea, Jennifer Lopez.  If you want to avoid pitting out your outfit, and looking like you forgot your Secret Roll-On this morning, try not wearing sweater dress in August.  

You’re welcome.

Michael Jackson Is About To Have A Birthday

Apparently, Michael Jackson’s only wish for his birthday was to look like Katie Holmes.  All he needs are a pair of rolled-up jeans and they would be identical twins.

Oh, It’s On Now: Version 2.0

You didn’t really think Michael Lohan was going to take all that without responding, did you?  This time, though, instead of reaching out to US Weekly or In Touch or his usual reputable outlets, he went straight to ABC News, which, unfortunately is actually allowing him to use them as a platform.  He had this to say:

Who’s out of control? Whose life is out of control? Give me a break. Going from place to place, being dragged around by Samantha so she can make more money off of Lindsay being there when she spins … She’s gone from making $7 million to less than a million a movie. Who’s out of control? I go to church. I go and help people in rehab. That’s control. How can she say I’m out of control?

I want Lindsay to be in a good place. When I started looking at what Samantha was doing, dragging Lindsay to clubs, drinking around Lindsay … Samantha is one of the biggest problems in her life. That’s what Dina told me. I’m reacting on what Dina said, but then Dina steps out of the picture because she wants to look like the good guy.

Dina’s a two-face. She wants to try to look good and stay on Lindsay’s good side instead of being a good parent. I don’t give two hoots about my relationship with Lindsay as a friend. One day she’s going to turn around to me and tell me, ‘Daddy, you were right.’

If they’re going to say I’m lying, I’m out of control, I’m going to show that they’re lying and they’re out of control.

I think I can safely speak for all of us when I say that Michael Lohan would serve himself well to shut his piehole.

By Special Request

I have a new pal, who shall henceforth be known on this blog as Daisy.  Daisy’s husband alerted her today that Matt McConaughoweveryouspellit’s mom just came out with a book called I Amaze Myself, in which she describes the death of her husband.  Which would be really sad and emotional in ordinary circumstances.  In this circumstance, however, her husband died during relations of a sexual nature with her.  And what’s so disturbing about this is how, in what would ordinarily be a time of great grief and mourning, she was so fixated on wanting to show off his wee-wee.  She says:

On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love. But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened.  I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing. But it was just the best way to go!”

Apparently, when her husband couldn’t be revived, she insisted that he be taken from the house naked.  

“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey – and his gift.”

You know, I’m proud of Mr. Mock’s gift too, but it’d probably be the last thing I’d be thinking about if he up and died on me.   I would be hysterical and devastated, and not at all inclined to show off his package to the EMT’s.  I kind of think I’m in the majority on this.  Back me up, mockdockers.

Daisy, by the way, intends to write her own autobiography entitled, “I F*CKING Amaze Myself.”  You know, to one-up Matt’s mom.  In which case, her husband should watch his back.

(kidding, Daisy!)

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