Jessica Alba’s Kid

I don’t know what it is, but I am not a Jessica Alba fan.  I do not appreciate her smirkiness.

BUT, her baby is gorgeous.  I love it when babies have all kinds of hair.  Apparently, I myself did not have any hair whatsoever until I was like 2.  I am embarrassed just thinking about it.  It’s a good thing kids under two haven’t typically figured out how to be emotionally cruel to peers yet, otherwise I might be seriously damaged.

Totally off topic, but childhood humiliation got me thinking about one of the most pitiful things I did as a gradeschooler to get a boy’s attention.  My last name when I was a kid started with the letter B, and every recess we were lined up alphabetically.  In second grade, I was always behind this kid named Shaen Allen.  This is a VIVID memory, and I vividly recall thinking the name “Shaen” was like the coolest most awesome name ever.  Shaen was the most popular boy in the class, and because I had glasses when I was NINE, I was painfully unpopular and virtually invisible to Shaen.

So one day, determined to get him to notice me, I decided I was going to attempt to have a conversation with him.  This literally took every ounce of courage I could muster, and lots of rehearsing of what I was going to say the night before and all morning long.  I tapped him on the shoulder, and this is how the conversation went:

Shaen:  (turning around and looking annoyed)  What?

Me:  Um……..hi……um I was wondering um…what is your favorite color?  (Yes.  This question took me HOURS TO CRAFT.)

Shaen:  (annoyed) I don’t know. I guess I like red, white and blue best.

Me:  (thinking that not only is he gorgeous and perfect but also irresistibly patriotic)  Wow!  That is so weird! Those are MY favorite colors too!!! 

Shaen:  (scowls at me and turns back around)

So, all along, I had a plan to find out his favorite color and then I was going to WEAR THAT COLOR to school the next day, CERTAIN that he would see me in his favorite color and be unable to resist me.  This is how my mind operated in the 2nd grade.  Only here was the problem.  I did not own a shirt that had red, white and blue in it.  So I went home that day, and INSISTED to my mother that I had to have a red, white and blue shirt for school the next day because of some school event which involved patriotism, and even though it was a huge inconvenience, she ran out to the store and came back with a red, white and blue t-shirt.  I was OVERJOYED.

The next day, I absolutely FLAUNTED my new shirt.  I felt invincible.  I could not sit still in anticipation of recess.  I just KNEW Shaen would notice me and immediately want to be my boyfriend.  There was just no other option. 

This is what happened in the recess line.

Me:  (tapping Shaen on the shoulder)  Hi!  So, do you like my shirt?

Shaen:  (annoyed) What?

Me:  My shirt.  It’s got your favorite colors in it!

Shaen (laughing, pointing at me, and yelling to all of the other cool boys he was friends with and essentially everyone else in line):  YOU GUYS!  Mockarena got this shirt just because I told her those were my favorite colors!!

Everyone Else In Line:  (pointing at me and laughing) HAhahahahahahhahahahahhahahahahahhah!!!

This was about when I burst into tears and ran.  I’ve blocked out the rest of my entire second grade year after this point. 

Anyway, what was I talking about?  Oh yeah.  Jessica Alba’s kid.  I’m glad she has hair.

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  • Jill

    But just think…now YOU are the popular one, and he is probably fat, bald, and financially destitute. You should do an internet search for him and let us know what happened so we can all point at him and laugh.

    Some of us were mean when we were kids, some of us are mean as adults. 😀

    I like Jessica Alba because I read an interview in which she said she isn’t picky about roles, she just wants the money and financial security. LOVE her honesty.

  • sbarros

    I had one child with a full head of red hair and another who was completely bald until the age of two and then when she had hair, she pulled it out.

    And to all the Shaen’s out there…quit being such a poophead, karma will bite you in the butt.

  • Dame Aufschneider

    Ok, I officially HATE Shaen and anyone else with that stupid name. AND, he is so unoriginal that he could only think of three colors that represent our flag as his favorites. How about trying on some original creative thoughts there, SHY-ANN? or is it SHE-ANN? Stupid.

    Also, idiot. WHITE is not a color. It is all of the colors combined. Jerk.

    Anywhoo…I too have an embarrassing 2nd grade crush story. I was in LOVE with Cory Miller. He had the CUTEST curly brown mullet. (Honest to God). I also tried to get him to notice me, and eventually, while feeling surprisingly frisky one day, KISSED him on the cheek (on the balance beam.) He unforuately (for him) grossed out, yelled to his friends, and they chased me, hurling mulch and worms at me. I was humiliated.

    You see? THIS is why we are friends. And, another note to anyone who will read it…Mock and I both have HOT husbands now. If you can get ahold of any second grade boys…tell them to respond well to nerdy girls in their classes who want to be their girlfriends.

    So there Shaen and Cory. Jerks.

  • Wise

    Oh man…tell me about it. There was this chick who would call up and have me do this ridiculous voice over the phone, even in public. She would make me do weird patriotic rants. It was awful.

  • Erinn

    My childhood crush (a big meenie) eventually weighed 300 pounds (no lie here) while I married a doctor myself and am a size 6.


  • Anonymous

    I know…. shallow shallow…..

    *does it count if I earned a master’s degree as well?

  • Holmes

    Okay…well then allow me to share my humiliating tale… I too was in my second year…as a merchant marine…We were off the Sierra Leonian coast awaiting orders to pick up containers full of poached elephant tusks when I saw her. Skin black as coal, purple-blue-black, radiating in the equatorial sun.

    As I gazed over the bowlines, our eyes met. Here our souls rushed to one another and danced to beating drums and hoofbeat horns. As my fellow sailors and I disembarked, I strode proudly to the stern of the boat (I am an ass-man, mind you)…she awaited.

    As we stood face-to-face, we had nothing to say… I looked her in her earthen eyes, I said, “Do you believe in destiny? The sun and moon are we. Apart and together working as one heartbeat.”

    She smiled and replied, “Dink, click, click, foondow.” And pointed at me. As laughter broke from her plated lips, I heard the multitude of her friends, guffaws breaking from their ring-stretched necks and shaven heads. I ran. I saw a flock of seagulls.

    After the containers were loaded, I asked a local boy who would be sailing back what, Dink, click, click foondow” meant. He looked at me with a gentle smirk and said, “Oh, you must have met Latingwe. She says that to all the men.”

    So, I inquired again. “Dammit, Fugundoo, what did she say?”

    He pointed, spit on my sandals, and giggled. “You smell like the underarm of a dead rhinocerous.”

    So…yeah…stop being mean..all of you Latingwes and Fugundoos. Merchant marines have feelings too.

    And Jessica Alba’s baby looks like a Fraggle. A Fraggle with a mom who needs to deliver a happy ending to me!

  • sbarros

    Fraggles! Love them! I just bought 4 Fraggle videos at a yard sale for a quarter. Now if I only still owned a VHS player….

  • cobrien

    When I was 10 I sent a picture of myself in a plaid, madras bikini to Shawn Cassidy. I’ve always had a thing for older men.

  • crabbyal

    When I was way too young, I snuck out to meet a boy-He wanted to do things….umm, yeah things. My stupid respose was “No because we are not even going out”. He says sure we are, and my next stupid response was “ok”. Anyway, back to school on Monday I told my friends we were “going out”, he denied it. I couldn’t tell anyone what we had done over the weekend or I would be considered a slut, so I was just totally frikkin’ embarrassed.

  • jimmysmitsfromtvslalaw

    The miracle is not the birth of one child you knit-whit. Considering there are over 7 billion confirmed births walking the face of the earth at the moment, I believe that contradicts the definition of a miracle as a rare and supernatural event. The miracle will be if this broad can keep from getting a bigger head than she already has and stay married to raise this little “fraggle” in a two parent household. I know juggling a career that entails a whole three-months of work in a year without a nanny completely raising this child is out of the question.

  • Melissa

    My first crush was in the 2nd grade. It was this beautiful blond headed boy named Nick something or other. I sat behind him and things were going along swimmingly. He even choose me for his dodgeball team at recess. Then things turned to shit and I’ve never recovered. I had a small cold. I was sitting in class and felt the first tickle of what would come to be known as the day my world ended. I sneezed… it was a big one but I felt it coming and caught it in my sleeve. I was admiring the enormous amount of snot that I had just expelled when the sneaker sneeze came. This second sneeze came with no warning and is still to this day the biggest sneeze that I have ever heard of. I sneezed so hard my head flew back and then came forward so fast I hit my head on my desk. I thought my brain had flown out. I straightened up holding my bruised forehead while glancing around to see if anyone had noticed. That’s when I saw it. A glob of green and yellow gelatinous snot dripping down Nick’s perfect blonde head. He screamed this blood curdling sneeze that he’d been slimed. The romance was over. He called me booger face from then on. To this day I hold my sneezes in. I live in constant fear of an brain aneurysm but all past and present boyfriends are safe from being slimed.
    Seriously scarred for life.

  • Mockarena

    Melissa. You totally win. This was the best story ever! 🙂