Overzealous Salespeople

Alert and astute reader sbarros wrote to me today to ask if we could mock Billy Mays, that obnoxious Oxyclean Mighty Putty Kaboom selling dude who screams at you to buy his stuff on various informercials.  And I got to thinking about how there are actually lots of people like Billy Mays. Do you guys remember bald, blonde, Stop The Insanity Susan Powter?  Or Tony Little – that Gazelle guy with the ridiculous permed pony tail?  These are people who force their personalities on you in such a way that you feel ill equipped to even listen to them without the benefit of some sort of firearm close by.  They are that overwhelming.  We have a term for people like this.

Emotional Rapists.

This is a term that Dame, Holmes and I often used to describe one of the employees at a local Panda Express restaurant we frequent.  She was the first person we would see when we walked in, and she was so unnaturally cheerful, so enthusiastic about the arrival of customers that she would quite literally ATTACK you with joy.  She would screech, “WELCOME TO PANDA!!!!!” as if it were a battlecry.  She’d be smiling so hard that the corners of her mouth would practically touch her earlobes.  And there was no escaping at that point.  You had no choice but to step forward and place your order, even though all you wanted to do after being subjected to such an onslaught of exuberance was curl up into fetal position and whimper.

We suffered this abuse many many times, because their orange chicken is delicious. 

Related Posts with Thumbnails
  • sbarros

    Yay! I am alert and astute!

    I like the term emotional rapist, or perhaps rather, ear rape. Somethings it hurts to listen too. Everytime that man gets on my TV, I want to stick some of that putty in his mouth to see if it will permanantly shut.

  • http://saffirebleu.livejournal.com/ Jill

    When Billy Mays appears on the tube, I hit the mute button. I will *never* buy any product he hawks.

    Wait. I take that back. I bought some Kaboom toilet cleaner once and it wasn’t very effective. So now I have double the reason to not purchase any thing he screams at me to buy.

  • Hatchetwoman

    I bought oxyclean. It does work, but the water you add to it has to be REALLY hot. I’ve used it to get out some pretty stubborn stains, and it hasn’t failed yet — even with stains that had been through the dryer a few times.

    You’re right, though, all the yelling and gesturing at the camera is off-putting and annoying.

    At least he doesn’t have some vaguely European accent — remember when practically every product that was hawked through infomercials had either a Brit, and Aussie, or a Dutch/Scandanavian/German peddling it? I found that tremendously annoying.

  • wordwych

    I hate-hate-hate Billy Mays! I have a hard and fast rule in my house: If you p!ss me off, I will not buy! Even if the product is one that looks useful/interesting, even if it is a product I have bought in the past (such as Triscuits, which I boycotted the whole time Retchel Ray’s smarmy Ms. Pacman face was plastered all over the boxes), I will absolutely refuse to purchase a product that is promoted with annoying advertising. This BM guy is the KING of p!sses-me-off advertising. I swear, if I ever happened to see him in person, I’d want to follow him around, screaming in his ear. Next on my list is the Shamwow guy with the fin-hair. WTF?

  • Lioness

    I just have to ask… why, oh why, do we have to be subjected to ear-rape, emotional rape, absolute torture, etc.? Every time I see one of his commercials, or someone of similar nature, I am reminded of our local and dear used car dealers, who intentionally SCREAM and pay extra for the extra volume added to the commercials. I refuse, absolutely and resolutely, refuse to be lured by LOUD VOLUME. Hence, I turn up Mozart and Bach when I hear Kanye West and FiddyCent in the car next to me in the commuter line. Ooooh.

  • mlm

    I think Panda Express has a requirement that they have one person like that at all times in ALL of their restaurants. Down south where I live, we go to a Panda that has an Asian woman screaming “WELCOME PANDA!!!” as soon as you walk in the door. (Note the absence of the word “to”–makes it very giggle-worthy). The way she says it makes me think she would be very good at screaming, “Bonzai!!!” We often scream the greeting to ourselves as we walk through the parking lot on our way in so that if she’s not there, at least we got our giggle for the day.

  • Bunny

    I had the same experience as Jill – I bought a bottle of Kaboom and it was complete crap. I can’t stand the guy either…but I have to admit that Kaboom is the most awesome name ever for a cleaning product. 🙂

  • http://www.facebook.com/TheKittyAngel sbarros

    see now i just feel like crap, because i actually miss him, dearly. and i have decided that the shamwow guy vince did poor billy in…