Monthly Archive for January, 2008

Captain Obvious

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So since the Queen of Celebrities is vacationing (which really means that she is not as committed to this site as the rest of us…welcome back Holmesy…you owe me $20 by the way)…I decided to post about a pair of celebrities.  Here you find Gerard Depardieu “greeting” Sophia’s “money makers”. Apparently, if you are French, you get away with a LOT more.

Bon Voyage to Me!

See that ship?  I’m going to be on it tomorrow.  Which means I won’t be able to mock to the extent to which you have all grown accustomed for the next 5 days.  But Holmes and Dame and Bunny have promised to keep you all entertained in my absence.

Now, I’m totally obsessive, which means I won’t be able to resist paying whatever astronomical charge the ship will have for internet access to see what all of the wacky celebrities are up to.  And, if I’m so inclined, I might opt to mock them.  But I’m not making any promises.

You’ll have to carry on without me.  All 15 of you.   

Jessica Simpson Should Not Be Allowed Out in Public Anymore

OMG, you guys. You have to watch this for so many reasons. First, this video features a horrible cover band butchering Sweet Child of Mine. Second, Tony Romo, inexplicably, helps sing it. Yes, that Tony Romo. And third, Jessica Simpson looks totally wasted in it, AND somewhere between minute 3.30 and 4.00, the lead singer of the cover band tells her he is going to give her a shocker, and even uses the word vagina, and she is COMPLETELY OBLIVIOUS. She could have said, “Wait – is that some sort of tuna or chicken or something?” and it wouldn’t have made her look any more dumb than she already looks. And lastly, Jessica and the lead singer guy have a sing off, in which JESSICA LOSES because she can’t hit the high notes as well as he can.

It’s like a virtual smorgasbord of mockworthy footage. NOT TO BE MISSED, mockdockers.

Reason #2,345,678,987 to Hate Celebrities in General

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Jessica Alba went on the Tyra Banks show and got SIX THOUSAND DOLLARS worth of baby gifts.  Tyra basically threw her a shower right there on the show.   You know who could really benefit from six thousand dollars worth of baby gear?  About six hundred everyday average pregnant people who don’t already make a billion skillion dollars a year.  

I’ve never understood this phenomenon.  Why do super rich celebrities get gift baskets for attending award shows?  Why do they get free meals in fancy restaurants?  How come all their clothes are free?  They are the people who should be paying extra for all that crap.

Hate.

Kelly Rowland Forgot Something

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Kelly Rowland was seen recently jockeying for a Nair endorsement deal.

Bart Simpson Has Disappointed Me

Nancy Cartwright, voice of Bart, donated TEN MILLION DOLLARS to the Church of Scientology, compared to Tom Cruise’s 5 million last year. 

First, that’s a whole big bunch of money to voluntarily give to a cult – I had no idea Bart was paid THAT well.  But secondly, really?  How does anyone watch any of those recruitment videos and not immediately see how dumb it all is?

Bunny’s back…….


It’s been awhile since I’ve posted….what better way to reintroduce myself than with this gem of a low-brow compilation. I defy you not to laugh at this.

Someone Call The Humane Society

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Seriously.  How miserable is it to be Mariah Carey’s dog? Look at the pitiful, despondent, hopeless, dejected look on that poor little guy’s face.  Have you seen a sadder dog? 

Hang in there, doggie.  God loves a terrier.

Look!

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It turns out, that without make-up, Eva Longoria is actually a 13 year old girl in need of a mustache wax.  Who knew?

Mariah Carey is Completely In Love. With Herself.

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Pariah went jewelry shopping for some new necklaces.  I’m guessing this photo was snapped riiiiiight about when she was asked if her breasts were real.

I really really really hate her. 

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