Summary of all the Crap that’s Happened Recently

1.  Jennifer Aniston might be pregnant.  It might be Vince Vaughn’s kid – or it might be Jason Lewis’.  Or it might not be either of theirs.   It might be that old royal guy who claimed to be the father of Anna Nicole’s cross-eyed baby – you know – the one married to Zsa Zsa.  Or I might have just made that part up.

2.  Jamie Lynn Spears might be getting married to that Casey dude who got her pregnant.  However, the baby MIGHT not be his, as various sources report that it might belong to some older producer from her show.  That would be totally scandalicious, and would alleviate some of the apathy I’m feeling about today’s celebrity news.

3.  Jessica Alba is engaged to Cash Warren.  The same guy she broke up with several months ago when she wanted to get married and he didn’t.  Hmm.  I suppose the fact she’s pregnant now is just a coincidence and not at all a way to get him to commit.

4.  Paris Hilton’s grandpa is giving away the bulk of his net worth to charity when he dies, leaving her with probably only several million skillion jillion dollars instead of a hundred million skillion jillion dollars.  I weep for her.

5.  Mischa Barton was arrested for DUI, after failing to gain anyone’s attention by acting.

6.  The dude that Lindsay Lohan was banging post rehab is now selling pictures of her and revealing all the details about his sexual encounters with her.   Next up – a “How to Live Your Life Like a Classy Gentleman” autobiography.

I don’t have the will to find pictures to go with any of this. 

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